 16
Blocks
Starring:
Bruce Willis, Mos Def and David Morse
Directed by: Richard Donner
Bluntly
speaking? 16 Blocks is a bloated festering waste of an evening unparalleled
since one sat stunned pondering Ocean's Twelve's release. From 16 Blocks'
single-serving coffee creamer characters, to its silly Kojak-episode obvious script,
to its ricochet MTV-styled editing (no doubt designed to try to make a tension-free
film feel edgy), your mind will start to wander to obligations you left behind
to view this by-the-'Action Film For Dummies'-book crap. Bruce Willis is just
awful. But, he's a Shakespearean trained BAFTAkind compared to his costar Mos
Def, who decided to sport a whiny high-pitched mumble voice; a voice that grated
on you, about four frames into this hodge-podge of poop, like the insta-ceasing
charm of a two-year old child last-in-line at an Elmo dvd signing caught in a
sudden spring shower. Story
goes… Jack Mosley (Bruce Willis) is a broken NYC cop. He's washed up and
trying to make it through the day, everyday, biding his time till retirement.
He drinks too much and has a limp from his past glory days on the force. Today,
as he's slinking out of the precinct (aka setting up his character's faults and
idiosyncrasies for we onlookers), his younger spry boss makes him take escort
duty. Jack has to drop a two-bit punk-ass witness off at the courthouse - about
sixteen blocks form the HQ. Jack huffs and puffs and sour-facedly concedes to
the mundane duty. En route, further establishing his "problems" for
us, he stops for a swig of booze via stopping short in traffic and crossing the
street to a liquor store (where they know him personally), while leaving his kinetically
ever-twirling prisoner unattended in the back seat… Turns
out this two-bit crook, Eddie (Mos Def), is really a star eyewitness for the DA's
case - and if Jack doesn't get him to court on time the whole case will be thrown
out - period (even those not into Boston Legal know this is just wildly incorrect,
you silently hope this informational fauxpas - the backbone of the plot - does
not foreshadow more story/reality errors - but it does).
Faster than you
can say, "Oh, please spare us. At least Bruckheimer's team attempts to
research factoi…" the seemingly unimportant passenger proves to
be wanted by some pretty tough characters, as assassins come out of the woodwork
in attempts to take-him-out. Though the point of Eddie's explosive testimony,
and the stress of time-slipping-away is way off gauge, and the whole damn story
is very convoluted, we - as an audience - know a couple of things heading into
act two: Eddie saw a bad cop do bad things and is about to tell, every cop in
the area wants Eddie dead and is openly hunting him video-game style, Bruce Willis
should stick with R. Rodriguez, and we are about to
waste a couple of our precious life-hours we are granted on this planet watching
a Bruckheimer-film wannabe shamelessly aimlessly shimmy upon the screen. But
Jack's going to save the day. So what if he switches personality trademarks on
a dime? This is Hollywood. The story (beneath the pyrotechnics and stuntmen flying
around) is about redemption in the nick of time; a washed up soul meeting the
one person he needs - when he needs it. But on the way to deciphering what the
h-e-double hockey sticks the tale is about, we suffer through nonstop visual and
audio annoyance at the hands of a babbling Mos Def and a smirk lipped - even more
lethargic than usual Bruce Willis - who is also sporting a really bad hair job
that becomes a kind of "watch the hairline" game as try not to fall
into slumber between things-that-go-ping-an'-boom determined to get your 15.00
dollars' worth of special effects viewing . Apparently, we can send a robot to
Mars but we can't make a wig for an actor pass the HD grain test. I swear I heard
Lon Chaney howling in shame from above…and "Jack's" alcohol induced
Grinchesque potbelly looks like wardrobe stuck and old down pillow underneath
his dress shirt, pulled it over the belt, and sent him to the set. Yech. Meanwhile,
poor talented David Morse is finally given a counter-personality role. He plays
the bad cop angel-faced beast in cookie-cut-out copland. But, his anger filled
finale is so ridiculously staged that between uncontrollable laughter at its absurdity
(yet expected playing out) you find yourself rechecking for the welcome illumination
of the theater exit signs for an immediate departure once the fictional mumbo-jumbo
ceases. 16
Blocks is a terrible movie even those of us into dullbrain action flicks should
skip ... heck,
even the studio decided not to throw too much into its post-production... recognize
that title poster sans a set of 12 legs??? Snack
recommendation: Thai take out and Netflicks' Nic Cage Collection
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