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Three KingsTHREE KINGS

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Starring: George Clooney, Markie Walhberg, Ice Cube, Spike Jonez
Directed By: David O. Russell

Rated : R

 

 

Bluntly speaking? Three Kings should be called Three Hot Manly Men Roam the Desert in Military Gear! This aint your dad's war movie that's for sure. No John Wayne look alikes in these parts - yippee. While it is edited for the MTV crowd, with that all too popular jumping camera thing, Director/Writer David O. Russell resists stepping over the thin red line and into Oliver Stone Land.

Story goes...It's the end of the Gulf war. All the army dudes are pissed 'cause they didn't get to see any 'action.' No blood, gore, ripped limbs, mass graves nothing like they were promised by their history books. Moral is low. Then whilst stripping down some 'turban heads' (I did not write that - it's a quote from the film folks) in the blazing Saudi sun, Sgt. Troy Barlow (Wahlberg) finds a mysterious map crammed up the ass (-literally-) of one of these men.

After a delicate removal of the afore mentioned doodyment, Sgt. Barlow groups with two of his cronies and attempts to decipher what the Toilette De Feces map says. They believe it is gonna lead them, the Three Stooges of Arabia, to Saddam's lost (hidden) stash. None of these men has an IQ of above 56, so they are kinda stuck.

Enter hunk du jour, Sgt. Major Archie Gates (Clooney). He's a ruff and tumble smoldering type. He's 'special forces' - oh, yeah I'd say so. Archie got wind of the smelly map's where abouts and wants in. You had the feeling without his presence the other three would have simply had a kucka smelly piece of parchment paper with some neato-keen Arabic writing on it to bring home to the states. Arch immediately points out, with his state of the art doohinkies, this map is the real thing and it should lead right to a tremendous amount gold bouillon Saddam stole from another bad guy. So, it's not like they're really doing anything bad...

They're off. It gets a little confusing. They run around shooting things. A bit of gore and blood, some clever banter and they end up finding a whole lot more than the gold. They run into the locals who believe the Americans have come to to help them defeat Saddam, with lots of Louis Vitton gold stuffed bags. Dilemma. Let the folks be slaughtered into shish kebab or assist them at the risk of losing the gold they worked so hard to steal from being stolen?

All I know Is this was a testosterone extravaganza readers. Men dressed in those tight fatigue styles are sooo sexy. Wait, Dave Stewart of Eurythmics is never sexy-- and he has been sporting those on stage lately -- but usually.

How can it have failed? It's basically a trifecta of purrfection; you get George 'Hunk-a-snarus-Rex' Clooney and Mark 'Petite an' Perfectly Packaged' Wahlberg - Ya know what's nice about Wahlberg? EVERYTHING! How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Wahlberg---dunno-but I'm willing to be the guinea pig, and as if this were not enough mman-lovin' eye-candy & tealent portion for you - there's Ice 'pick-berg-tea-man' Cube thrown in for those who like their meat choc-o-latee-sweet, and they're all dancing about an O. Russell story. Um, yum.

This movie isn't for everyone. If your into war movies, go. If you like discombobulated editing art, go. If you want to see Clooney and Walhberg in the same frame, GO! The story's good, directions good, cast is great. Guys remember Clooney+ Walhberg = your chick at a war movie, how sweet is that dude?

Snack Recommendation: Freeze dried Burger King rations

 

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