Birth

Starring Nicole Kidman, Cameron Bright, Anne Heche, Danny Huston and Lauren Bacall
Directed by: Jonathon Glazer

Bluntly speaking? Whayarday thinkin' here folks? Wholly criminey is this awful. Birth is a haphazard discombobulated mess with a major talent drowning in the film's placenta-like goo. From the first few frames you realize the filmmakers have hoodwinked you with a cool premise, and now lured - captured - we sit like punished children as it plods along towards its re-taaarded end.

Story goes…Anna (Nicole Kidman) lost her husband Sean ten years ago. He had a heart attack while jogging. On the eve of her announcement to wed a new beau, Joe (Danny Huston), an odd lurking ten year old child (Cameron Bright) waltzes in and announces he's her dead spouse reincarnated - and he wants her back as his wife.

Naturally, at first, the family is giggling and wondering how this kid knows so many intimate details of the couple's perfect life together...

But Anna, who's a trauma away from a breakdown anyway, buys into the kid's tale like a blue-chip fund. She starts to believe he is indeed Sean her dead beloved. Her new fiancé Joe has a hissy fit - and storms out of the relationship. Her family freaks out - but condones the child kind of moving in for a trial cohabitation of sorts.

Meanwhile, Sean the Younger, lives a relatively un-guardianed life...hoofin' it through the streets of New York as he pleases at all hours - all in pursuit of his "love" Anna - while the kid's family just seems to get all quiet and self-reflective on themselves after this little sociapath announces one eve to mommy, "I am not your stupid son anymore!"

Time to call the pediatric shrink lady...and fast!

Is Sean the dead man? Can a forty-year-old woman happily live with a ten-year-old as man and wife? Did anyone think this film through before signing in ink?

To pick at the film further is futile - you get the drift. But there are a few bits that make one really ponder the wasted eve... the kid - aka the returning spouse - has the personality of a gnat and he's down right creepy/rude. So, one begs, was Anna in love with an ass to begin with? Or did Sean's journey to the other side just kind of rob him of his persona? This young actor, Cameron, had the SAME role in Godsend a few months ago. Which brings me to the acting. It is horrible by all involved, especially Anne Heche who shows as a deranged sister-in-law. The ensemble is over dramatic soap opera SNL skit-ish.

And don't even get me started on the obligatory sex scene with Kidman and Huston ...it may make you hurl - and it was sooo unnecessary - I think the director wanted to see Kidman's booby. Then there's the big buzz scene 'tween the minor and consenting adult in a bathtub you are bound to hear about. That slice of absurdity will have you searching out the welcomed illumination of the theater's Exit sign should you forego my warning here and venture forth. But wait there's more! What in the h-e- double hockey sticks was with the editing? The film hosts these "held" scenes that look as if the editor's console got jammed and slices of subplot clues even Sherlock Holmes would raise an eyebrow at. Horrible. And speaking of horrible…the score, by Alexandre Desplat, has got to be for another film. It's a wildly inappropriate and utterly disenchanting hodge podge of sound. Pooh poo to all involved and I am sending a bill for my wasted time as we speak to the producers. Yeck

Snack recommendation: Norm's Tucson Turkey melts and diet cokes while deciding on what other film to see…