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Blunt in FashionIf I Were a Carpenter
an emily blunt rant




If I were a carpenter I would help the neighbors downstairs find peace in their place! I am not so I will bitch about it instead.

What the H-E-Double hockey sticks are they doing down there is all I can think between the eighty thousand bangs to the wall that begins promptly at 700am? We have the same apartment layout. The place is small, er, cozy. Maybe 400 square feet at most. Even if they desire to redo there are two of them. Two people divided by 400square feet anybody should have the place done in say two days? Three max.

I began to calculate...and by my calculations even if they ripped out the walls, the cabinets and the tile from the bathroom a team of two could have repainted, re-tiled, re-grouted and re-varnished three or four spaces our size.

They moved in two weeks ago and you'd think DaVinci and Michelangelo had been reborn. Bang, smash, chisel. And of course the glorious smell of paint and turpentine commingles with the smog all ready bellowing through my windows so I am in a perpetual state of migraine.

So riddle me this what in blazons are they doing down there?

Admittedly I am a private person and I enjoy a silence and boudoir that resembles a darkened cave ( which friends refer to as "the Crypt" ) for sleeping. I have an active chickbabe lifestyle and usually fall into slumber about three in the morning. I am what they call a night owl. When I finally fall to slumber I need quiet...

And if truth be told, since moving into this beautiful (yet small) dwelling I have not had one night of restful sleep.

See there are not one, but two churches outside my window that have a daily competition of the bells. They start at nine am and stop about eight pm. The smaller church has a Napoleon complex about their petite stature it seems. The use recorded bells that bellow from four rooftop speakers circa 1941 ala Hogan's Heroes and they seem to have one volume - full blast. I mean the sound actually makes my place tremble and my dogs cower. Damn the lease!

To compensate the gothic church, on the other side, with its "real" bells has hired bell ringers who perform songs. Full-length songs arranged for bells I suppose. Dear spirit of Bing Crosby please stop this catholic envy 'tween the two! My eyesockets look like a rabid racoon on dope.

So I sleep with earplugs and a pillow over my head…it helps.

But now Mr. And Mrs. Bohemian downstairs come along, art degrees in tow, and decide they simply must have an artful uniquely theirs apartment. An apartment, judging by the amount of hubbaloo, morphs daily into yet another design. Hammers tings and tangs vibrate the walls so the plugs and pillows do nothing, I fear, to quell the noise.

I am so curious as to what they've done I am thinking of baking (buying) a welcome tort as excuse to see their weeks of toiling and trouble. Hmm, yes. I'll go down and introduce myself - using the tort as my white flag...

"Hi, I'm the girl upstairs…. yeah, the one who beats the floor with the broom…. I harbor 'sleep demons' that tend to be less than kind when I am awoken from slumber...I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do prior to coffee dear man…I just wanted to see what you've done with the place."


Perhaps not.

It's now noon and their artistic ballet of banging has finally subsided. They are off to Home Depot for more artillery I suppose.

Ah, but before I can nap I will wait for the salutes from the duo of churches and their dueling ding dongs of high noon and of course the extra special added bell treat one has added - the latest from the tape of ' Bell Songs for City Dwellers - Hours of Synthetic Bell Entertainment!" to commence and cease. Then perhaps, I can rest a wee bit before my day begins…


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