Shanghai Noon

Dear God what were they thinking? This movie, besides being completely politically incorrect, which of course is fine with me if it's funny, was so awful I ate like a human Iguanadon just to keep from yelling profanities at the screen.

I guess they wanted to put perky kickboy Jackie Chan in something. Okay, better find a comedic sidekick? Well, if you call Owen Wilson's character Roy "which way did he go George which way did he go?" O'Bannon actually funny that is. He was suppose to be...which just makes you feel bad for all involved in this colossal western portion of horse dung.

Chan plays an Imperial warrior, Chon Wang (A pathetically mundane play on John Wayne in case you missed the spew-your-soda-hardee-har-har) sent here to rescue the Chinese Princess (Lucy " I'm not a bitch-I just look like one" Liu). She's holed up in a Knotts Berry Farm set, er um, a frontier town in Nevada circa 1850. Whilst on pursuit Wang runs into and hooks up with side kick, Roy O'Bannon (Owen "Clouseau nose" Wilson) a cowboy gunslinger, well, tosser at any rate. Together they have action packed malay en route to her royal chineseness. Canned generic green beans action that is.

The American Indians get him high-that was kinda fun. But then they call him "Man-Who Fights-In Dress" and all the stupid Tom Arnold-ish obvious and murky comedy slaps you you in the face again. I got two words for ya- FART BUBBLES! They actually resorted to fart bubbles for a laugh. Not only gross and sophomoric but anything but comedic funnery. Mel Brook's Blazing Saddles circa 1978 (?) was the last time fart were truly funny on screne.

Sure, I'm bitter about no stud-a-matics being within 300 yards of this film. Heck, I need eye candy at some point. I am, after all, only human and Chan or Wilson...shudder. I snuck into Gladiator on the way out to shake off this ugly and quite frankly dull duo. Say sianara boys this 'causin this here movie show you've fandangelled wont be in theaters long 'tall pardners!

Snack Recommendation: Lo-mein with pea pod and bean curd. Extra order of Saki.

Starring: Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson and Rafael Baez

Directed by: Tom Dey

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