Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Djimon Hounsou and Tilda Swinton
Directed by: Francis
speaking? Riddle me this
how do you get talents like Rachel Weisz and
Djimon Hounsou to agree to work aside Keanu Reeves - the poster child on plank
acting - in a throwaway film that's based on the supernatural comic book series
Hellblazer - a year after comic films were "in"? Maybe they were
hoping for a leedle Spiderman franchise of their own
the rubber tree ant
phenom strikes again...
Detective Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz) is a cop whose sister was murdered.
She knows there's foul play a foot - the darkest foulist, feet.
turns to John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) for help. Constantine's a sour-pussed
oddball who is as unlikable as he is monotonous. But, he can also plainly see
disguised demons that wander just below the streets of Los Angeles (and Morton's
I think). His whole back-story shouldn't be picked it to closely or it could unravel
like a cheap scarf. Apparently. Connie attempted suicide but wasn't quite evil
enough for Hell and once you've got the suicide check in your Heaven entry you're
suspect. So, pardoned (kinda) from Hell, he's now the reluctant anti-hero destined
to show-up Beelzebub whilst helping the good detective to find her sister's killer.
they trip the script fantastic while venturing down the franchise churning rabbit
hole of the been-there formulas; they head towards sort of Buffy the Vampire Land,
while pit stopping continually in a Matrixville hued landscape, all while CGI
demons and underworldy creatures attempt to launch the master plan
souls of even the good folk and such nonsense.
even get me started on this film's version of the big evil kahuna himself, Satan
(Peter Stormare). I coulda swore I heard, 'Luck be a Lady Tonight' in the background
whilst he graced the screen. He's neither frightening nor properly engaged in
his world take over shenanigans.
Reeves, valedictorian alumn of The Nicolas Cage School of Acting; where the standing
motto is, "One Expression Equals All Expressions" is genuinely
mannequin-y here. Granted, Keanu as the same styled character in the Matrix Trilogy,
was exceptional - the lad does bewildered Playstation-esque dude in formfitting
latex well. But here the little blank fella lacked an exceptional story to confuse
your more discerning eye.
Weisz is the only saving grace (and some of the cooler special effects) of this
colossal waste of time. How she managed to hand in such a good showing amid the
pooh-poo is beyond me.
of out-of-left-fieldisms in the film, Tilda Swinton shows as the uber archangel
Gabriel to confuse the storyline a wee bit more. And as a Voodoo guy, indie darling
and wasted talent, Djimon Hounsou, makes one's hair stick up briefly.
yourself the cash on this one; it's too silly to be scary and too stupid to be
watchable. The special effects are good, especially the dramatic angel wings,
but now the expected standard. Constantine is ultimately The Punisher guy angle
set in Angel's neck of the woods.
recommendation: Dinner at McDonald's, then Heffalump with the kids - now that's
scary! (<- insert Psycho theme here)