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End Of Days
End Of Days?
Not soon enough it wasn't! Schwartzenegger's back! Yippee! Bite
me. This movie was a big gluteus maximus let down.
Arnie is so much better when he doesn't open his mouth...at
all. Yes, I understand he's our all American heavy Swiss accented
action hero, but hasn't anyone told him we like Bruce Willis
better?
I think
I'm just annoyed because the concept of this film was so great.
The devil wants to breed and start the world fresh and evil.
He plants a mother for his child twenty years earlier to bring
together his big plan. He must do the devil twist by midnight
of New Years 1999 or God reigns for another thousand years.
Then there was the promise of an action packed special effect
piece . The effects were there but looked like they should have
been in a better movie!
Isn't Satan
suppose to be clever? A kind of trickster with high intelligence?
Not here. End Of Days has Lucie (Gabriel Byrne) break
into a Jackie Mason impression pleading with Jericho Cane (ha
ha Jericho, as in walls of---ew how clever,) Arnie's ex-cop
character with a grudge against God to come over to the dark
side! Maybe this Lucifer guy is not so bright. Maybe that's
why God expelled him, he kept screwing up things. A Mumaluke
of Heaven if you will. Arnie responds in this barely decipherable
rumbling about how the devil thinks he's a bad ass? Ha, he doesn't
know what bad ass is. I literally laughed out loud at not only
the stupidity of the lines but Schwartzie's painfully pathetic
delivery of them. EOD's Satan was a semi pussy but,
telling Satan your 'tougher than him.' Teeeee
heeee. So prey tell., what exactly are we suppose to
have as our epitome of high wickedness or pinnacle of fear then?
Another David Duchuvny movie? Big Daddy longer and
uncut?
Just remember
Gabriel Byrne may be good in theater, but he and his agent need
to try a different route for the boy cinema wise. Here we find
Gabriel 'Don't mention Usual Suspects to me
! That fuck stole my
part.' Byrne as The big S. Satan in Armani . Byrne played a
priest in that filme de kucka-this summer- Stigmata-
now he's back with about the very same outfit except he's on
the opposite team. Poor bastard. Granted I am not crazy about
the guy, but even he must feel the humiliation of his casting...
Can't you hear the movie's moneyman? ..."Get
that Byrne guy, we can save on the costuming. Nah, he's not
bright enough to figure out the public will notice the similarities
between his very last movie...just get him, and a sweet and
low." Though, Byrne was given one very
clever line here when referring to The Almighty One "Something
good happens, it's his will. Something bad happens,
he moves in mysterious ways."
Sure they
cast two mains from Usual Suspects (Byrne and under
rated Kevin Pollack) and sure they even quoted Keyser Soze verbal-lee
to a tee. But again that had to be cutting corners and figured
we'd enjoy the joke...The other laughs abound here kiddies.
Sad, really, as it's supposed to be a scary
movie not the over inflated comedy action with
many contradictions that it was. Let's see, Satan can be shot
at and regenerate no worries mate, till about 3/4 through the
movie, then if you so much as hangnail scratch him his flesh
flies off and he's starting to look kind of 'Night of the
Living Dead-y' Which was a better movie by the way...
And the
Devil's bride? Christine (Robin Tunney )? Please. All her life
she has visions of wild erotic sex with Byrne, er, Satan when
he finally shows up walking through her front door, amid urinated
flames (long story) she STILL acts like the wide eyed innocent.
Please your yelling at the screen to just let the priest hit
men get her already...
Snack Recommendation:
Burnt toast and brimstone treacle
Starring:
Gabriel Byrne, Robin Tunney, Rod Steiger, Kevin Pollack and
the big Swiss/American guy
Directed
By: Peter Hyams
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