sat in the theater wondering if I had traveled in time when I
passed through the theater doors. Was I back in 1978? See, this
Flemish subtitled farce (a icky language that has the mock gagging
phlegm sound of German mixed with the idiocratic upswing of the
Norwegian tongue) was so dated, I though, it certainly couldn't
be from this era. But, sadly it was.
me disregarded my natural instinct to blow-the-foreign-B- movie
fiasco, and stayed.
goes some fat cow, no that's not fair to the cow. Okay, a plump
porcine-like gal...no unfair to the pig...Got it, a really, really
heavy teenager, Marva (Eva van der Gucht) with no self-esteem,
bad posture and the face of Punch (of Punch and Judy) is in midsong
we join the film. She has a terrible voice (they lead us to believe).
The girl is grotesquely singing, nay, impersonating Madonna, complete
with fishnet stockings (heave) at her local drunkard's hall and
over enthusiastic father, Jean (Josse De Pauw) is all a glow with
the pride only a doting father can have for the mentally challenged
child's mortifyingly embarrassing little stage show...
loses her 54th competition to a blind man lip-syncing Otis Retting-
complete with Black Face painted on...Oh, stop my sides! And goes
home to their humble, hubble, er , abode.
only people knew of her talent. NOT! The delusional father reiterates
to the point of you wanting to beat-him-within-an-inch-of-his-life
madness. He's got the answer in his tiny white-trash-of-the-Flemland's
mind- He'll write her a hit song. Sure, that's the ticket.
he writes this song. Not a song as much as a tune
he's hummed psychotically into a recorder. He just knows if his
larva, er Marva, can sing this song she could be as popular, as
famous as Flemish sensation and uber-dated- rock- star- ala- Abba-in-their-prime--complete-with-blue-Nefertiti
as his plans for his daughter's stardom are fruiting in his head,
Jean loses his factory job. His family, especially his precious
mini van sized daughter Marva, is less than supportive. Oh, that's
okay he thinks. Gosh, she's just a temperamental theatrical type
after all. This guy is so moronic the whole thing's barely bearable!
like the little ant and the infamous rubber tree.... he trudges
onward. His shitbox, er, car, breaks down and he happens upon
-guess whom? Debbie- the she star! Wow, didn't see this coming.
kidnaps her! Say, that's funny huh?
contacts a buddy who also lost his job, a weird looking fellow,
Willy (Werner De Smedt <- I am not making up this name folks...)
to assist him in the guarding of kidnapped Debbie.
country goes mad! Where is their precious Debbie? Meanwhile contact
is made between kidnapper and would-be-ransom payer. Jean contacts
Debbie's manager, Michael (Victor "Get a haircut baby-the
feathered look is soooo out" Vox). He's the stereo typical,
sleazy manager who looks suspiciously like the manager from Spinal
Tap. Mickey's is enlightened of Jean's nefarious plot. It's not
money this fool wants. Jean just wants his teenage heifer, er,
daughter, Marva, to sing this silly theme on the silly show the
silly people adore.
ridiculous. Everything was old fashioned, and the men were simply
hideous. Not a half a hunk to be seen. My eyes ached. I'm not
that superficial, well...but it's a hell of a lot easier to watch
cinematic dog chow I you've got a Brad Pitt or George Clooney
once in a while to break the monotony. Or a great story in lieu
of male stimulation. The story here is so lame the projector shut
off a couple of times cause it thought the damn thing was over.
Admittedly, there were a few hearty laughs. But, all in all this
if your an art-house- see-every-foreign-entree' type, you are
missing nothing by forgoing this moronic flashback gone bad film.
If you simply must have a subtitle fix go see The
Closet. It was cheesy, yes, but clever and well acted. At
least it wasn't visually torturing.
Recommendation: Reindeer, and Schnuklelurken Dumplings mit
Josse De Pauw Eva van der Gucht Werner De Smedt .Thekla Reuten
Victor Löw Gert Portael & Jon Jacobjingleheimerschmidt