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 Femme
Fatale
Starring:
Rebecca Romijn Stamos, and Antonio Banderas
Directed by: Brian DePalma
Rated: R
Femme Fatale is nothing more than the fantasy-come-to-life of
a few studio execs and director/writer Brian DePalma in the middle
of, apparently, some sort mid-life crisis.
Obviously this "brilliant" (read: pure sarcasm) film
fiasco birthed its horned crested head as each man added a personal
fantasy fave to the "oh yeah and have her do this"
chickpot of toil and trouble in some bar-n-cigar emporium deep
in the catacombs of Beverly Hills.
Oh
yeah, heterosexual males everywhere will line up for this explaining
to their significant others, "Honey it's a Brian DePalma
film. You know how much I love him…" A deep respect
that coincidentally coincided with the release date of this film,
no doubt.
Basically
Femme Fatale is soft porn with Rebecca Rojinironin Stamos plastered
across a theater screen that costs 10.00 bucks to view instead
of .25. They have her in, I imagine, nearly every sexual scenario
men have on their "just once" sexual wish list…she's
slinking around half naked - a given - but she also has lengthy
lesbian scenes, does a strip tease in a seedy jukebox joint and
then has - extremely quick - rabid Rhesus monkey sex on the pool
table.
Puh-
lease! You know her costar, usually handsome Antonio Banderas,
is not afraid to get naked (see Original
Sin) so you think they could have thrown me a bone, er, a
bum shot? Nothing. And his hair needed some Prell yesterday. Just
gross. So the movie stunk and I didn't get to see Antonio's naked
bum dance any jig of love.
The
story, like any good porn, is irrelevant. Laura (Rebecca - perfect
body - Romijn Stamos) is a bad, bad girl. Her latest scam is down
in Cannes you know with its famous film festival. Naturally Cannes
is in full swing and riddled with celebrities. No doubt this film
was thought up on the Air France flight back to Los Angeles last
year…
Anyway,
one particular gal is wearing a simple 500-carat snake-bra get
up (porn fantasy ref. 1298534). Laura's mission? Seduce the scarcely
clad reptilian sporting gal via fondling and groping and escape
with the snake -bra diamond thingy.
It's
cool diamonds, bad men, and a hot lipstick lesbian. She gets the
diamonds but feels she's worked hard for the money and she double-crosses
the boys.
Now
she must leave Paris…. quick.
Then
in one of the worst and most confusing scenes within a scene in
the history of film - I mean it makes David Lynch seem fluent
and immediately comprehendible! - She assumes the identity of
another girl, Lily, who happens to be her twin (porn fantasy plot
ref. 18726). At this point the audience is not sure where they
are - it is DePalma so we go along knowing eventually we'll catch
up.
Somehow
- thanks to fate and fantastical bullet holed plot kinetics, Lily/Laura
marries a statesman who eventually turns ambassador who eventually
bring her back to Paris. OH NO> That's the one place she should
never go…remember those guys she ripped off? Insert melodramatic
music here please.
Oddly
it's a comedy of sorts and in between the gratuitous sex scenes
Rebecca gets some funny lines and Banderos gets to try on some
accents and mannerisms. BUT, and here's the point, WHY? I mean
why are we sitting there watching this awful seamless film? This
is a throw away piece of celluloiud crap that every red blooded
man in the world will have on their Christmas and Chanukah gift
list- that's about it.
Snack
recommendation: Café Lattes on route to another theater.
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