Freddy Got Fingered
(NO STARS)
Or more appropriately titled:
Fear in Loathing In Theater 3
Let me just start by saying:
DO NOT SEE THIS.

The tag line for the film is "This time you can't just turn the channel"- referencing Tom Green's MTV days. Yes, you're right Tom. Er, but Mr. Stupid we can just not go!

It's true I despise Tom Green. I think he's just, well for lack of a better word, untalented. He tries to get those nervous laughs like Andy Kaufman did. THOUGH even Kaufman knew when enough was enough.

Green's like a deranged psychotic 10 year old that's wedged itself in a thirty-something male adult's body and been given a media outlet — dangerous.

I've told everyone I know about my horror. My brother roars with laughter each time I bring up another hideous scene and starts singing: "daddy do you want some sausages...," my young manly roommate says he's: "just got to see it! Green's a nut" and the attendee where I slip in for the extra large coffee each morning, also male, wasn't sympathetic either: " Green? Ah, come on the guy's hysterical...The time he had that dick surgery right on the television? I laughed so heard I farted."

Alas, readers, I guess, I am alone in my hell...If your a male between 12 and 40 you'll apparently enjoy this crapfest extravaganza, it's a chromosome thing 'spose...

Meanwhile, I can not even begin to tell you the visual profanities spewed out at the poor audience in the name of shock comedy!(?) Tah, this guy Green's the one who needs shock. Shock therapy with Nurse Ratched twice daily until cured, blazon upon his prescription!

Here's a small example of the mindbogglingly bad humor Green dishes up for his victims, er, viewers: (should you skip my four skull and cross bones warning and venture forth!) He actually guts a deer, crawls inside the bloody carcass like a Wal-mart costume, and dances around the road "disguised" as the butchered deer...more like a depraved serial killer.

Stop it my sides are killing me from laughter-NOT!

Then, for some pathetic reason, he is now delivering a baby. The baby arrives and this assfart Green's character swings it around above his head like a Scottish sporting piece and bites the umbilical cord with his teeth complete with Monty Python-esque blood skirting about wildly. Stolen, and if your gonna steal try to be at least better at the shtick huh? This isn't new folks or done in particularly funny fresh way.

Oh, but there's more maniacal mayhem from the master of mediocre orifice jokes kiddies. A friend of his falls whilst skateboarding and a bone sticks out from his leg ...Green leaps down and licks it ! Whoa I'm still deaf from the resonating laughter-NOT!

DO NOT SEE THIS.

The only thing sadder then Green repeatedly getting work of any kind—outside a slaughter house of the insane— is his confirmed wedding to über cutey Drew Barrymore. I think her drug years laminated the part of the brain that deciphers goonman from spouse. Poor kid. I have so much respect for her...Well, till now. Okay, maybe he's nice in real life, but ya know I really don't care. The spirit's of her legendary theatrical family are hitting the bottle but hard this month!

The "story" goes (and I speak that word "story" in a: "grade three, try to make sentences kids, we'll start there" voice)...Gordy's (Tom "patuey" Green) back at his parents' because he was sacked from his cheese sandwich making job at a factory. Hardeeharhar. He doesn't want to have a real job. Kneeslap. He's an artist or something. So he tortures his townsmen, parents, and friends...Look I suffered enough. Please don't make me do this...I'm simply nauseated by this!

DO NOT SEE THIS. It would be like going over to the darkside.

There is no redeeming value! This jerk is just lucky somebody in Hollywood with a distinguished name even gave him the time of day. This is so bad, the up side is Hollywood may actually really throw him away now...But, his wife has a powerful production company. Darn it!

This sucked. Green sucks. Don't get suckered!

Snack Recommendation: DO NOT SEE THIS. Go for a nice calm dinner and then go see Momento!

Spewed with: Tom Idiot Green, Rip Torn and folks I'm not going to mention, they'll thank me later.

Directed by: Megalomaniac with a borderline personality disorder Tom Green

Writing credits: Tom Green & Derek Harvie.... Writing credits---now that's funny!