3000 Miles to Graceland

I thought maybe I'd misread the marquee about an hour into this colossal waste of Hollywood beefcake. I started to think maybe in my myopic blur it had actually read 3000 Minutes to the Plot! 'Cause it dang near seemed that long!

Sure, you have Kevin Costner dancing around in rock-a-billy wear all sexed up with snug black leather pants and bad-boy pheromones dripping from his, surprisingly, still vivacious pores, but alas, even that gets old— fast!

Seeing Kurt Russell in this wasn't such a shock...With Kurtis you never know what to expect...He's made some fun, albeit, B category movies that we've all enjoyed— admit it, as well as some pretty ripe donkey poo films best forgotten.

But Costner? I'll be smarting about this for a while. He was so great in 13 Days, Dances With Wolves etc. I expect a better choice of screenplay from him. Yes, Waterworld was a Biggy Fries© portion of faux pas for the man, did he learn nothing about choices? Don't get me wrong, Kev's really a funfest man kebab in this, it's just the celluloid fill, dialog, and storyline around him...

And this Kevin Pollak guy. What happened to him? He must just cry himself to bed each night with the hand-of-fate career dealt to him vs. his Usual Suspects costars (Spacey, Del Toro, Palmentieri-even Baldwin). There's a lesson for aspiring actors here...shut up, listen and learn from this...Be CHOOSEY. Sure kid, follow your dreams. A given. But, never sacrifice your talent for money, or you'll end up cast as second bannanahack actor playing next to ever-lamo- uber- annoying Thomas Hayden Church, let's say "Pollaking your career." Or something worse, maybe in a (shudder) Tom Green movie.

3000MTG's story goes...A few ex-cons lead by Murphy, aka Elvis A (Kevin Costner) decide to rob a casino during the International Elvis Convention the Riviera Las Vegas is hosting.
The "Brainstorm De Criminal" being the hotel will be filled with so many hunks of mock Elvis' strutting through the place and security will be so blinded by the multitude of semiprecious stones radiating off the fore mentioned Elvis' apparel, the gang can simply don Elvi-an robes themselves, thusly blending right in unnoticed to empty the packed safe.

The rough and ready Elvi quintets do. And they succeed in quite a heist, amid a blood bath of Tarrantino-McQuarrie-esque gun play.

Then we are given a few filler scenes, betrayal— always a shocker in these movies no? A love story; as Elvis B (Kurt Russell) falls for skanky hideout/HQ Last Chance Hotel resident Cybil (Courtney "anything to shake the Friends image, get me anything" Cox-Arquette).

Naturally, Ms. perfect- pearly white-teeth- playing- a- grifter has a kid in tow. Actually a four foot version of a career- criminal heading- straight- to- life- in-the big- house- with- a -bitch- named- Buddy. He's sooo cute... projectile yupchoking commencing ....now.

The kid's a brat squared. The girl's a confusing character. Is she in love or on the take? The Elvis B, or Michael (Russell), guy is the standard heart of gold criminal. The Elvis A guy, or Murphy(Costner), is quite sexy and overtly macho, but none the less an insane serial killer with an identity crisis mixed with delusional tendencies topped only by his passion for dated retro side burns. So he becomes, annoying and sometimes laughable.

What about Christian Slater? David Arquette? They are not in it long enough...no wait. Chris did get one totally predictable scene served rehash telegraphic style. He's not happy with the cut he's getting from the heist and stands up to Murphy. Ya. We don't see what's going to happen here 't all...

Anything good about the movie? Yes, actually the beginning was great. The credits had an awesome animated battle between two scorpions. Of course later you were browbeat with the scorpion symbolism via tattoos, belt buckles, rings, actors movements etc. It lost it's subtlety fast. The cinematography by David Franco was often beautiful and simultaneously eerie. The character's costuming by Mary E. McLeod was precise. And, of course, the soundtrack is a must have.

Rent this later folks. It's really, really bad towards the end. Costner's adorable as a villain. And Kurt, well he's always charming. However, the whole thing together was like poor Elvis' stack o' wet naps after a hearty midday snack; odious and soiled, best passed by while holding your breath till the smell passes.

Snack recommendation: Jelly Sandwiches and Jack Daniels

Starring: Kevin Costner, Kurt Russell, Christian Slater, Courteney Cox,Howie Long, Jon Lovitz, David Arquette and Kevin Pollak

Directed by Demian Lichtenstein