an emily blunt rant
entertainment's set/smoke break, casual conversation over pretty-pink
martinis, turned to my professional opinion of who is the stupidest
man working in Hollywood.
hesitation I announced, Vin Diesel. I added that he may actually
be a top-secret animatronic Walt Disney designed mid-century.
I said, " Here's a guy who should count his lucky stars each
and every night before he falls to sleep that somehow he was able
to scratch his name on a financially lucrative contract. He sounds
like he's trying to balance gumballs in his mouth and his thoughts
are Dr. Seuss simple."
Why not Keanu Reeves the poster boy of un-smart Hollywood Hunks
they begged? Aha, my fancy dressed friends, Keanu Reeves, for
all his "dudes" and "whoas," is charming and
can tell tales of his exotic travels over a frosty beer. His scholastic
abilities firmly aside, Keanu's really fun to be around - and
very yummy handsome. And what of Hollywood's obsession with dim
carved bodied movie star bobble-heads in pivotal roles? Simple.
They know a gal is willing to give up a bit of brain matter for
these brawn gym formed physiques blazon across sixty-foot screens,
after all it's called entertainment for a reason. And men don't
need to see a handsome guy that's also smarter than them
who's the sexiest? Well, I said, he aint who'd you'd expect. It's
another unmasking of Santa - the bubble of illusion burst. The
manliest of Hollywood Homerun Hitters - and it aint strictly my
opinion - is funny man Jim Carrey. He is ten times more handsome
in "real-life" than his rubber-faced routines would
lead you to believe. Carrey is GQ meets L.L. Bean manly. And remember,
one really has to be a genius to play it that dumb - well. With
that the next round was ordered and Marty and his chickbabe Elaine,
returned to the tiny section of the bar they called a stage and
our chatter stopped.
break, of course, the subject had switched to mating rituals and
dating in LA. Both are often fear inducing. Dizzy from the lack
of fresh air melding to the ample vodka seeping through my veins,
I admit to having dated an actor. The audible shudder actually
waved across the table like a backbeat. You think I'd know
better they start. I defend myself - after all they look so good
in Armani and usually match with your smart little black dress.
And watching him form sentences with big words from his self-motivational
word-a-day calendar is quite fun...and oddly entertaining
reality? Action-Hero at a photo-shoot looks aside, even as the
entree cools, your actorman date is usually still practicing his
"pitch" for his sitcom, or that re-work of an idea for
a reality show starring him!
can get so boring your mind drifts far away. I remember
on one particularly bad date, between his "Me" this,
and "I" thats, as his mouth just kept moving round and
round and sound kept bouncing off of me, I started to think about
the laundry I'd left back in the dryer at home. The clothes would
certainly be wrinkled by the time dessert came. As picture perfect
as he was, still he just wasn't worth the ironing I'd be facing.
I quickly pretended to get ill and escaped (my style was just
short of the Edward Gorey hand-to-mouth-*sigh* bit -- amusing
myself...). Meanwhile, the actor had no idea I was pretending!
When we left the oh-so-trendy restaurant, he ran in front
of me to the parking valet so I'd have to see his trendy over-priced
unoriginal car. I hear tell, the higher the car's price tag, the
smaller the penis.
is a Hollywood ending here though. Tired of trail and error, I
have ceased to swim with the sharks for my dating games. I managed
to find a relatively normal guy, who's also a creative sort. Yes,
while practicing my self-prescribed oath, of my self-written,
'40-40-40' rule.These necessary all-protecting rules are scary-simple
yet so hard-to-find; He must be 40yrs or older (that's the god-given
change of maturity proccess - I believe), he must live 40 minutes
away (thusly avoiding "surprise" visits) and he must
make at least 40,000 (so at least he's got his own spending money).
Not a big deal? Try finding it yourself - I double dog dare you.