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Hollywood Humps
an emily blunt rant

 


During the entertainment's set/smoke break, casual conversation over pretty-pink martinis, turned to my professional opinion of who is the stupidest man working in Hollywood.

Without hesitation I announced, Vin Diesel. I added that he may actually be a top-secret animatronic Walt Disney designed mid-century. I said, " Here's a guy who should count his lucky stars each and every night before he falls to sleep that somehow he was able to scratch his name on a financially lucrative contract. He sounds like he's trying to balance gumballs in his mouth and his thoughts are Dr. Seuss simple."

Hmm. Why not Keanu Reeves the poster boy of un-smart Hollywood Hunks they begged? Aha, my fancy dressed friends, Keanu Reeves, for all his "dudes" and "whoas," is charming and can tell tales of his exotic travels over a frosty beer. His scholastic abilities firmly aside, Keanu's really fun to be around - and very yummy handsome. And what of Hollywood's obsession with dim carved bodied movie star bobble-heads in pivotal roles? Simple. They know a gal is willing to give up a bit of brain matter for these brawn gym formed physiques blazon across sixty-foot screens, after all it's called entertainment for a reason. And men don't need to see a handsome guy that's also smarter than them after all…

So who's the sexiest? Well, I said, he aint who'd you'd expect. It's another unmasking of Santa - the bubble of illusion burst. The manliest of Hollywood Homerun Hitters - and it aint strictly my opinion - is funny man Jim Carrey. He is ten times more handsome in "real-life" than his rubber-faced routines would lead you to believe. Carrey is GQ meets L.L. Bean manly. And remember, one really has to be a genius to play it that dumb - well. With that the next round was ordered and Marty and his chickbabe Elaine, returned to the tiny section of the bar they called a stage and our chatter stopped.

Next break, of course, the subject had switched to mating rituals and dating in LA. Both are often fear inducing. Dizzy from the lack of fresh air melding to the ample vodka seeping through my veins, I admit to having dated an actor. The audible shudder actually waved across the table like a backbeat. You think I'd know better they start. I defend myself - after all they look so good in Armani and usually match with your smart little black dress. And watching him form sentences with big words from his self-motivational word-a-day calendar is quite fun...and oddly entertaining

The reality? Action-Hero at a photo-shoot looks aside, even as the entree cools, your actorman date is usually still practicing his "pitch" for his sitcom, or that re-work of an idea for a reality show starring him!

It can get so boring your mind drifts far away. I remember on one particularly bad date, between his "Me" this, and "I" thats, as his mouth just kept moving round and round and sound kept bouncing off of me, I started to think about the laundry I'd left back in the dryer at home. The clothes would certainly be wrinkled by the time dessert came. As picture perfect as he was, still he just wasn't worth the ironing I'd be facing. I quickly pretended to get ill and escaped (my style was just short of the Edward Gorey hand-to-mouth-*sigh* bit -- amusing myself...). Meanwhile, the actor had no idea I was pretending! When we left the oh-so-trendy restaurant, he ran in front of me to the parking valet so I'd have to see his trendy over-priced unoriginal car. I hear tell, the higher the car's price tag, the smaller the penis.

There is a Hollywood ending here though. Tired of trail and error, I have ceased to swim with the sharks for my dating games. I managed to find a relatively normal guy, who's also a creative sort. Yes, while practicing my self-prescribed oath, of my self-written, '40-40-40' rule.These necessary all-protecting rules are scary-simple yet so hard-to-find; He must be 40yrs or older (that's the god-given change of maturity proccess - I believe), he must live 40 minutes away (thusly avoiding "surprise" visits) and he must make at least 40,000 (so at least he's got his own spending money). Not a big deal? Try finding it yourself - I double dog dare you.


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