Starring: Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Sam Elliot and
Directed by: Ang Lee
Hulk is an abomination in oh-so-many ways! It starts off as
slow as frozen molasses then suddenly speeds up and becomes this
altered state of half Acme cartoon half summer action flick. Yechy
poodle poo! Eric Bana (an Aussie manly man import) is given a
hair thin character and you can almost see the pain on his face
- I think they meant his look of agony to be from the "morphing"
but deep within, you could see his soul was screaming! And Jennifer
Connelly who plays the smart girly scientist smitten with the
hunk who will become the Hulk, is one of those girls that you
can count the dialog beats to the tears
1-2-3 cry. Argh.
The crapfest extravaganza comic book based story goes
little Bruce has a secret. Seems Bruce's oddball scientist gone-mad
father David Banner (Paul Kersey) was shooting top-secret formula
on the top-secret base. His superior Ross (Todd Tesseon) fires
him- kinda - so David blows up the place and heads home
this poor little Bruce inherited "something" from pappa
we shoot years ahead and Bruce (Eric Bana) is with a new family
(? NOTE: Annoying Script Point #1 We will learn about ten scenes
later what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened ) and working
in the very same field as his father (<- insert dramatic music).
dad, who he was told was dead, shows up (now as crusty Nick Nolte)
and starts to let the lad in on the truth
to a mishap in the lab, Bruce's altered DNA bubbles and Bruce
bursts into this big green hulk fella. (Note: Annoying Script
Point #2 he turns into a thirteen foot cgi zombie who's pants
rip only to shorts -- but everything else shreds away)
gal pal, Betty Ross (Jennifer Connelly) wants to help but she
just doesn't know what's wrong (and cries a lot- bordering on
ASP #3 ).
she 'll be involved soon enough! Bruce's demented father sends
Hulk formula injected canines after her and Bruce must morph if
he's to save her. Enter Betty's dad Ross (now Sam Elliot) and
a super smarmy chemical developer named Talbot (Josh Lucas). Talbot
for some unexplained reason/phenomenon (ASP#4) seems to control
the military and a lair that frankly looked JUST like Dr.
Evil's notorious den of mayhem!
wants a piece of Bruce as The Hulk to create - what else - a super
army and rule the world
.Ross wants to protect his teary-eyed
daughter from the second generation brute Bruce and more revenge
on Bruce's washed up psycho dad David.
Please please make it end.
Admittedly as I typed this, the story sounds okay
you see each time Bruce morphs he becomes a plainly cgi graphic
of some angry violent dope and the people (even comicbook people)
don't make a bit of sense.
a positive note you may wanna learn a bit more about the talent
behind the lad called Eric Bana. Here? Lordy no. Rent an Aussie
film called Chopper. It's about a robust bounty hunter (Bana ala
sporting a few more pounds- stuffed like a knockwurst) who likes
to give his clients the old chop chop. It's richly Australian.
I sure hope this piece of celluloid poo won't affect the studmuffin's
script choices on our shores
right Jennifer Connelly needs an intervention before she slips
into a Hollywood paycheck coma!
Elliot, who plays the angry military man and cry baby's daddy
Ross, looked as if he was high- reefer in the trailer for an hour
prior to shooting high - in his scenes. Horrific work.
Lucas was aaaaaahhhhhdorable. He gives great smarmy! Nick Nolte
creeps up the screen adequately. The cast is really quite good
too bad the film isn't. The
upside is with the collosal failure this monstrosity is about
to become maybe the bell will toll for comic book blockbusters.
Snack recommendation: Tums