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National Security

Starring: Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn
Directed by: Dennis Dugan
Rated PG -13 (though it should be rated F for foul)


National Security is by far one of the worst movies ever made on oh-so-many-levels! It would be tricky to pinpoint its worst point - as there are so many to chose from. Hmm, I'd have to say the nonstop racism against white folks and the awful acting are at the top of the torturous tidbits. But then there is that lame-o-rama script and those horrid action sequences. It's dumbfounding that this crap ever got made.

We suffer (read: is if dipped in honey and left for famished fire ants while Celine Dion sings a "Send in the Clowns" duet with Eminem blasted from loudspeakers) through scene after scene of Martin Lawrence spewing venomous violently hate filled slurs on the white man. He sets back any kind of interracial harmony people have fought, struggled and died for about fifty years. Ah, but he also seems to think all black people are from the ghetto and poor and as hateful as he. In one case he tells his "buddy" Steve Zahn after causing his character Hank jail time, loss of his job and girl, that now Hank is a black man because he'll never get a job better than a security guard or make more than 182.00 a week like all black men! How insulting is that? How racist is that? I saw several people walk out (black people). I was envious of them I tell you - an envy like I have not experienced before….but I stayed for you.

The story of hate and absurdity follows Earl (Martin Lawrence) as he, rightfully, is expelled from the police academy for being a loudmouth dangerous psycho. Meanwhile we see Officer Hank (Steve Zahn) lose his partner in a "simple" warehouse robbery.

The two meet as Earl is attempting to open his car after locking the keys inside and Hank pulls over to see if he's breaking into the car or needs help. Earl is instantly hostile and starts a barrage of insults, which of course leads to the two in heated argument. Earl is allergic to bees and as the officer is taking his verbal abuse and rants Earl (Lawrence in his most pathetic scene - in a sea of Pathetic sailing the USS Pathetic) starts to freak out about a bee buzzing about them (I am not making this crap up). The people in the park videotape the incident - which hahaha- looks like a cop beating a black man.

Now instead of telling the truth, Earl McHate tells the courts Hank beat him and submits a photoshoped picture of himself beaten. This is LA and they cant afford to go light on the officer so Hank goes to jail, loses his job and subsequently loses his girl.
When Hank gets out of jail he takes a "lowly" job as a security guard. He's also determined to find his partner's killers from that silly telegraphed scene before. Thanks to his "borrowed" police scanner he overhears a call that reeks of the same MO as when his partner went down. Off he goes to check it out .

He gets to the warehouse and sure enough it's his bad guys and it's also Earl's security guard job (Haha they are both reduced to security guards - gosh that's hysterical…….argh). Natch there's a slo-mo- bullet- riddled- shoot-'em-up scene and thanks to movie magic the two pursue the bad guys together.

It's not a happy union. Hank wants nothing to do with Earl. But Earl just wont leave. Terrifying.

All the while they pursue the bad guys, Earl spews racial slurs at Hank. Earl is given umpteen opportunities to clear Hank's name but even though he starts to "like" Hank he continues his nonsensical racial attacks and psychotic outbursts.

Eventually - by the mercy of a god above - we careen into what the filmmakers felt was a plot and we are allowed to leave the silent dark and chilly cell disguised as a theater.

Martin Lawrence is not just critically untalented he's dangerously insane. Somebody incarcerate this lunatic before he hurts people - or his asinine remarks cause someone to hurt someone. On top of my obvious dislike for the ass, he can't act his way out of a wet paper bag and here he's nothing more than a bad stand-up comic doing his hateful act on screen inside a story that makes no sense whatsoever. I need a shower and a stiff drink.

Steve Zahn must have dropped acid or something while reading this script - or the studio has something on him. This is a shameful soiree for the lad. His performance was lifeless and drab. Wonder if that was because with each line delivered he realized what a colossal mistake he made? Hmm.

DO NOT SEE THIS. It is the worst film ever. I actually felt angered by the nonstop racist remarks and I do not wimp out easy. If the roles were reversed and Hank was spewing these racial "jokes" at Earl this movie would have the NAACP on its buttocks and be shut down within an hour while being applauded by the KKK - that's how hateful it is. Stereotypes on all sides and rotten treatment of people pervade this piece of film goop.

Snack Recommendation: Tums.


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