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 Halt
Who Parks There
an emily
blunt rant
You
know how we all protested to our teachers about the Geometry and
Algebra we were forced to learn throughout our childhood schooling?
What will we ever do with this we'd all say? How will his be implemented
in our everyday lives as adults - usually accented with a crashing
of the fists very dramatically down on the desk atop the D graded
paper?
Well,
I finally figured out what to do with all this erroneously fed
quazi-useful knowledge and it's only been about fifteen years…
The
combo of the maths have actually been helpful in assisting my
mind in the deductions and mathmatical equations one must ponder
before parking. Or bettter put, to figure out the parking signs
in any major city I've been forced to park streetside in. Though,
some of you after reading my tale may argue quantum physics is
still easier to calculate correctly.
For my story we will focus the study at the signs posted in Los
Angeles for example. Let's narrow that down to my area, Beverly
Hills. You
pull up innocently attempting to duck in and buy some personal
sundries at the Sav-on. This should not be a traumatic experience
people. You note in your head there are cars parked out front
and beside so, you figure mathematically, the odds are in your
favor that today you are allowed to park here. Right? Oh, it's
not that easy my friends...
I
set the car in front of a white painted curb and read the three
fold sign that has been placed about four feet down from where
I sat. I didn't leave the vehicle yet. Deary no! Kind of like
leaving a finger on your piece while playing Chess; it's not a
completed move until you actually release. Or in this case exit
the vehicle.
The
top sign tells me: No Parking Wednesday 8:00am- 12:00pm Street
cleaning. I take out my Official Parking Work Pad I designed from
a yellow legal pad, and check the calendar day. It's Sunday, so
I'm okay there. I check the box on my workpad marked Street Cleaning
Clearance. I see my side note to verify the day of the week with
the laptop, I forego this today. I didn't work, and slept until
the dogs awoke me desperate for their walk. So it must be a weekend
day at least. No need to bring in Sherlock Holmes here. These
are simple deductions so far.
Next
sign says: No Parking 8:00pm to 8:00 am Daily /except holidays
and SMSB. Which I now know to stand for Selected Movie Star Birthdays
(see Section Cf12A. Column G for applicable Movie Star names and
dates on the site www.parkwithouttangibledamageinthehills.com
hosted by the Parking Authority of Beverly Hills and the Louie
B Mayerwarner Memorial fund for complete details and further instructions)
.
Hmm.
Okay it's not night so I don't have to use the laptop here either.
No need to call up my wireless Internet access the sun is out,
weak, dimming, but technically I'm just plain sure it's day. The
SMSB faction doesn't need exploration either since it's legally
still considered day. At worst, evening or the dreaded confusing,
twilight.
I
check off the workpad box under the Completely Inapplicable Sign
section. It has a double check so I'm not too lazy and skim the
sign. It asks have you confirmed the solar set-up with the lining
of Mars for the area? See in Alaska for example day could be night.
And if Jupiter is aligned with Mars you could be heading into
Aquarius which is just total parking mayhem! Yes, the stars too
can affect the validity of the spot you've found. When I'm in
doubt or fear, I glance at the top of the pad with the motto I
keep etched on the top of the pad for moral support: "The
spot is available; ergo WHY?" Oh, truer words have never
been spoken (cept of course "that'll go right to your thighs")...
Yep,
the hair on the back of my neck was erect. This could be a parking
authority trick. The three signs, like the three witches of Macbeth,
put there to confuse and fill me head with treacherous information!
So, I decided to get out of the sanctuary of my car and take a
digital Polaroid of the sign and the tree limb beside it …this
photo may be my only defense. I can sumit it via a forensics specialist
if I have to go to parking court later.
When
the photo starts to come clear, I use my specially designed felt
tip pen to note the pm and am declaration on the sign as well
as take an actual leaf sample from the tree to "date"
the photo for prosperity. I slip all the evidence into my work
pad's slip pockets, sealed in a manila envelope and run a pen
mark across the back so I can prove the evidence has not been
tampered with, should the need arise.
Feeling
sly and confident so far, I glance down to sign three.
The
third, and thankfully last of the signs, advises I am in a Permit
Only Area. Only cars with a Beverly Hills issued permit with either
mauve or teal color are allowed to park here. Unless it's a weekday
between Wednesday and Thursday, the car is purple, has a price
tag over 75,000, or your agent works at CAA. Though in truth,
the CAA part looked stenciled on. Those Beverly Hills gangs are
ruthless. Then in teeny tiny painted in gloriously mundane LA
County issued red paint, I see it…. You may park here for
up to two hours with validation from the Sav-on.
I start to hum a bar of "Born Free" as I exit and lock
up my car. But, my glee is short lived. I turn only to hear an
odd sound from behind be. A cackle, no a shrill sigh. I look back
and there's Lovely Rita the meter maid writing what appears to
be a ticket!
I scream "WHAT?" As she calmly hands me over the 145.00
ticket (my fifth since I've moved here basically making the ticket
debt higher than the car's actual blue book value!). Mz. Matronly
points out it's Sunday at 6:01 an Sav-on is now closed,
I don't have any properly colored permits and the white paint
on the curb's edge means the section is only valid with a church
parking permit (that's a semi-aqua shade) after 6:00pm on Sundays.
As she points across the street to a church suddenly buzzing with
religious types frowning at me like I was an inner Earth dwelling
disciple of Mr. Louis Cypher himself!
She
hands me the ticket between loud smattering smacks of her long-
lost-its- breath freshening-power gum and gives me the cost break
down; 20.00 for the permit violation, 20.00 for the Sav-on violation,
25.00 for no front plate (a law here apparently) 20.00 for the
church parking violation, and 60.00 for being in a tow zone (after
6:00 pm).
As
I looked up in the sky to "speak" to God I noticed the
huge six-foot dayglow painted sign on the Sav-on window (that
came complete with a smiley face) proudly proclaiming the Sav-on
NOW has Free parking below building for the shoppers convenience!
Argh.
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