|
Payback
Payback?
Payback? Yeah, I got yer payback--Gimme back the $6.50
I shelled out for this COLOSSAL waste of an exceptionally perfect
Florida evening I could have spent at the Dairy Queen.
The director
of this futile flick should have been Philip Morris--it was one
long cigarette commercial! There was a butt going in every
scene. Isn't that passe, outré, avant douche?
This movie
was bad for your attention span and your lungs. And juuuuuust
when I thought it couldn't get any worse--Kris Kristofferson
shows up! His face looking more like a Shar-pei than ever. What's
he lie face up in the sun 24 hours a day? The man looks like a
human beef jerky. Is he the kiss of death or what? Anytime he's
in a movie--bam! You know it'll go straight to
video! And for those of you who don't remember him --he's a sweating
and beady-eyed creep, bad acting aside--he's just gross.
Okay, the
story is supposedly about a guy named Porter (Mel Gibson) who
goes against the "outfit" (what oufit? polyester? informal?
dressy-casual?) for 70 grand. That's right--70 grand! Get a grip,
nowadays kids spend that on sneakers in six months--no one's risking
their life and challenging any "oufit" for 70 grand.
Gibson, who
is actually a good actor, must have suffered through this script.
Evidently he really wanted to prove that the Lethal Weapon
series (about 1,000 now?) weren't pigeon-holing him. Either
that, or his mortgage payment was past due.
A stronger
script with a better eye for detail (e.g. better dialogue, delete
Kristofferson, entirely different storyline) would have done the
boy better.
In one particularly
bad scene, Porter kills the crooked-mouth pansy-boy Carter (William
Devane) supposedly the "head" of the outfit, by bullying
his way into Carter's office (as if!) and disabling Carter's 7-foot
three-hundred pound henchmen with one kung-fu move and then shooting
Carter point blank in the chest. Carter does the FTD florist guy
pose (Mercury) before croaking (too funny--we actually burst out
laughing). Porter then strolls over to the desk with the slumped
over Carter and finds, open and to the exact right page, get this--the
absolute tippity-top, head honcho, grand poobah, of the "outfit's"
--correct address and phone number! Who happens to be Kris Kristofferson!
(by the way, this outfit had more heads than Medusa). For a moment
there, I thought Samuel Morse tapped out the script, the scene
was so badly telegraphed. It was more painful to watch than a
nude scene with Rosie O'Donnell.
The supporting
cast was pretty good. And this movie needed more support than
James Coburn's varicose veins. Oh yeah, he was in this too--and
he was good. The best line in the whole movie came from Coburn
when Gibson was shooting at his custom made alligator luggage
and in horror, Coburn declares "That's just mean!"
That's how stupid this movie was.
Porter's nemesis
Val (Greg Henry) the guy that stole Porter's 70 G's and left him
for dead, besides portraying his character like a Marvel comic
book villain, could have used a healthy supply of Preference
by Loreal (#8). His hair looked about as natural as Michael Jackson's
nose.
Kudos to the
dominatrix chick-babe Pearl (Lucy Liu, who also plays Ling in
Ally McBeal). She at least looked like she was she was enjoying
her role. She was beating up and torturing men--how bad can that
be? Although, the real torture from this movie came from watching
it. Snack recommendation: Nicorette gum.
Starring:
Mel Gibson, Lucy Liu, James Coburn
Directed
by: Brian Helgeland (who was one of the writers for "L.A.
Confidential". Apparently, we all fall from grace.)
Rated
R: (for retarded)
|
