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Bluntly speaking? Dear readers Bruckheimer pulled a Bruckheimer. I am a huge fan of his action packed plot-lite visits-to-the-dumber-side-of-your-mind-style movies. But, in Pirates 3 the mega-producer took a diamond of a franchise and shattered it into sand.

Barbossa’s like some garbling Uncle McPirate and Jack Sparrow is Looney Tunes. Depp said the cartoon Pepe Le Pew was an influence in Sparrow with Richards. But, I fear they took him quite literally script-wise this time 'round.

The best minutes of the film are a wedding at sea and an ode to the Sinbad films of yore…in the form of a desperately reaching character that truly makes one giggle – though that was not their intention.

And the current reason I'd even suggest you pay the dubloons to see this mish mosh of crusty creatures is Keith Richards. He steals his seconds on the screen. And he’s actually healthier looking as a pirate. Go figure…

Story goes…Well, not really sure here and they were sold out of Pirate's Cliff Notes…But, watch Pirates 2 before you venture forth. I shall try to get you up to speed, should you feel the need — as I did — to immediately find out what Jack’s up to.

Jack (Johnny Depp) is in Davy Jones’ Locker. Here it’s a place like The Cell’s Carl Stargher (Vincent D’ Onofrio) mind-land. It’s a sandy Nowhereville where Jack seems to be slowly drifting into madness.

Meanwhile back in the other area of our film, the rest of the gang is plotting to rescue Jack. Each has a self-serving motive behind partaking in the perilous journey, but never-the-less, they are scheming away.

They must go to the end of the world to get back Jack. But the nasty British guy (Tom Hollander) from the second film is holding squid-faced Davy Jones hostage (via his heart — literally) and making him pirate the seas for the crown. Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) has been reduced to a do-boy. His crew reduced to snarling crusty minions.

In subplot four there’s a meeting of all the pirate lords. They must gather to free the newly introduced character “Calypso.” Only she of the sea can stop Jones' oceanic take-over.

The scruffy extras horded about for the "Lords of Pirates" meeting must have even raised a brow towards the script here.

Bubbly Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) takes his cast section to the mysterious cove (which looks like a Dr. Seuss Christmas tree park) for the pirates-of-the-world pow-wow (<- perhaps a new Epcot attraction is in the works?).

And it is here Teague Sparrow (Keith -The Glorious- Richards), Jack's pappa, advises the creepy gathering of the “Code” of pirates. He seemed to be the King of Pirates but that thought was insta-kyboshed...as they vote for a pirate king ...so I have no idea still what was said, or going on...

But he strums a guitar — for those who knew Keithala would be making a cameo but might not recognize him, Bruckheimer made sure you be knowing argh. And sadly, a few in my audience were audible in their, “Oh(s)!”

Will (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth (Keira Knightly) are in the arc of their romance. Liz thinketh he may be a scoundrel, and Will doest he think himself betrayed…Liz is an uber pirate and Will's warming to a life (ahem) at sea.

Okay that’s all I can tell you without giving away the …um…plot. That goes plop.

Too many characters parade before you. Too many stock jokes and too many scenes designed to give the audience more of what test groups said they liked. The creepy eye guy and his toe-jam toothed buddy (Mackenzie Crook and Lee Arenberg), tons o' monkey, and even the ride's key-toting dog makes another showing...4000 miles from its original port.

Oh, least I forget, Will’s imprisoned father, Bootstrap (Stellan Skarsgaaarararagaratendardski), is still around and morphing into coral reef.

While the 'tweens may dig the Capt. Jack Sparrow overload. The reality is it's truly strange. But even here, again, Johnny Depp manages to make you smile and frequently.

There’s lots of swashbuckling and plenty of bellowing triumphantly tinged pirate score for you to keep alert to.

And a small warning to ye all. The beginning of the film is really scary for wee ones. There’s no grand entrance de Depp. It’s cruel and scary…and frankly - like the film to come - confusing at the very same time. Plus PotC's three hours long. I was figiting and ready to whine...I can only imagine the leedle ones's angst. Depp or no Depp we were done.

Snack recommendation: Cuttlefish in marinara sauce with a rum smoothie.

Reader Comment: "Pirates": I saw your blurb of "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" on "Rotten Tomatoes" and was linked to your website to read the full review. If anything, at 2 stars out of 4, I feel you were waaaaay too lenient. You say Bruckheimer "took a diamond of a franchise and shattered it into sand". You forgot to add, "...then ground it into our eyes while extracting $10 from our wallets". I believe this 3rd picture was the worst "Pirates" of all, something I wouldn't have thought possible after the 2nd. The original "Pirates" was a very good movie, even, in my opinion, one rewrite away from being a great movie, but the franchise has steadily and steeply declined ever since, finally going over the edge "At World's End". It's as if the "Pirates" braintrust looked at the "Matrix" trilogy and said, "Yep, there's our blueprint." I'm tempted to accuse Hollywood of not learning its lesson but, then again, I'm the one who forked over two admissions more than I should have. Final word on this final picture? "BLOATED!" - Todd, www.42storyhouse.com

Official Site’s cool: http://adisney.go.com/disneypictures/pirates/main.html