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Ralph Fiennes Films
Mr. Ralph Fiennes


Red Dragon 2002 (horror) (Full Review)

This is supercreepiousloiusly delicious! The doctor is in and he's serving up his special brand of terror and grizzly goulash for your enjoyment. The extreme plus side (read: Ralphy side) is Mr. Fiennes bares his bare tattoed back over and over again....purr! Snack recommendation: Smores and Chianti

Sunshine 2000 (drama)

This is a very long movie. I would recommend a rainy day in the cinema or a rental over two nights. The story is grand, if at times Stephen King detailed. Ralph plays several generations of male Sonnensheins up to WW2-ish. We all know how nice he looks in yester year clothes...yummy! Yes, the rumors of full frontal nudity are true. But,God being sometimes cruel, has the pee-pee in a scene so anti-erotic, you'll barely notice. Bummer, I know. That whole being adult thing.Snack Recommendation: Three lunches and two dinners- it's long!

Onegin 2000-Comedy (just kidding - drama)

A family affair- Brother did music and sister did the directing. Ralph is a period piece kind of man. This is kind of a sad story...Beautiful and tragic. His acting is fluid his look studly-This will be hard to find, but well worth the effort.Snack Recommendation: Borscht

End Of The Affair - You need the full review- find it HERE

Schindler's List ( Docuhorror) Amon Goethe (Fiennes) is a cruel, sick pig of a man (a Nazi) with one good quality-he's played by Ralph. Schindler was this man directed by his accountant Yitzhak Stern (Ben Kingsley)- to save Jewish people from the clutches of one notorious death camp, run by Goethe. This movie could have turned me off to Fiennes-what with the torture, his fat belly an greasy hair...nah. Snack recommendation: Wursts und Bittburger bier.

Strange Days ( scifi) Lenny Nero (Fiennes) is a zero! What a loser with exponents. He looks good though. Ruff and tuff and virtual reality is better than no reality. Snack recommendation: Anything freeze-dried.

English Patient (romance) Set in World War II, one of the most romantic films in print. Count Laslo d' Almasy (Fiennes) a loner with a desert fettish and a penchant for brooding, has actually fallen in love with the woman of his dreams (Kirsten Scott Thomas),too bad for him she's already married. He and she meet secretly and whirl around in that crazy thing called love- till her husband decides to let them in on the fact he's keen to the affair. Brilliant performances. Snack recommendation: Tea and scones.

Quiz Show (drama) Charles Van Duren (Fiennes) has been briefed on the answers to this weeks hottest game show- and his fellow contestant (John- turtle-Turturro) is tellin! This guy was livin' high for a little while. Cheating is just not good kids...'specially if ya get caught! Snack recommendation: Fish (it's brain food).

Wuthering Heights (Soft porn, er, drama) My personal favorite-sexually speaking of course. Heathcliff (Fiennes) is treated rather poorly by his adopted family and for-the-rest-of-his-life he makes sure to cause grief and misery to all involved. However en route to the plot, we dear audience, get to watch Ralph strut around the moors in black frocks and flowing locks- is this man legal-'cause he's like pure man heroine? Slap my arm and call me Keith. Yummy, yum, yum. Snack recommendation: Sheppard's pie.

Oscar and Lucinda
(romance or - a weird love story) I warn ya this one's slow. But, if you watch it on laundry day when it's raining-you'll like it. Say "film" in a British accent and you'll get the jist. Oscar (Fiennes) is an oddball. He meets Lucinda a fellow fool. They both have a gambling addiction to beat the band. Which in those days...yes, another period piece by Mr. Fiennes. Great ending-hang in there. (Yes, it does end. I love it- actually bought the thing.) Snack recommendation: Lots of ale.

The Avengers (crapoloid, err, action)
Shame, shame, shame! Even the semi nude shot of John Steed (Fiennes) in the steam room is not near enough stimulation to sit through this gawd awful flick. Man o' Manischevitz, could this be lamer? That would be a big fat "no" Johnny. Snack recommendation: No doz or skip the movie and use the fee to get pizza and Trainspotting.






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