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THREE KINGS

Three kings should be called three hot and sweaty stud gods! This aint your dad's war movie that's for sure. No John Wayne look alikes in these parts-yippee. While it is edited for the MTV crowd, with that all too popular jumping camera thing, Director/Writer David O'Russell resists stepping over the thin red line and into Oliver Stone Land.

Okay here's a movie with George 'Hunk-a-snarus-Rex' Clooney and Mark 'Petite an' Perfectly Packaged' Wahlberg. Ya know what's nice about Wahlberg? EVERYTHING! How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Wahlberg---dunno-but I'm willing to be the guinea pig. Ice 'pick-berg-tea-man' Cube is there for those who like their meat choc-o-latee- sweet. This was two hours I was looking forward to. No disappointments here folks.

It's the end of the Gulf war. All the army dudes are pissed cause they didn't get to see any 'action.' (It wasn't on Fox yet) No blood, gore, ripped limbs, mass graves nothing like they were promised by their history books. Moral is low. Then whilst stripping down some 'turban heads' (I did not write that it's a quote) in the blazing Saudi sun, Sgt. Troy Barlow (Wahlberg) finds a mysterious map crammed up the ass (-literally-) of one of these babaganoush men. An American would never do that, we just don't have it in us... maybe Christopher Walken, granted. I love that guy...you should rent 'Homeboy' just to see him in the kitchen scene...l digress.

After a delicate removal of the afore mentioned doodyment, Sgt. Barlow groups with two of his cronies and attempts to decipher what the Toilette De Feces map says. They believe it is gonna lead them, the Three Stooges of Arabia to Saddam's lost (hidden) stash. None of these men has an IQ of above 56, so they are kinda stuck. Enter hunk Du jour, Sgt. Major Archie Gates (Clooney). He's a ruff and tumble smoldering type. He's 'special forces'- oh, yeah I'd say so. Archie got wind of the smelly map's where abouts and wants in. You had the feeling without his presence the other three would have simply had a kucka smelly piece of parchment paper with some neato-keen Arabic writing on it to bring home to the states. Arch immediately points out, with his state of the art doohinkies, this map is the real thing and it should lead right to a tremendous amount gold bouillon Saddam stole from another bad guy. So, it's not like they're really doing anything bad...

Their off. It gets a little confusing. They run around shooting things. A bit of gore and blood, some clever banter and they end up finding a whole lot more than the gold. They run into the locals who believe the Americans have come to to help them defeat Saddam, with lots of Louis Vitton gold stuffed bags. Dilemma. Let the folks be slaughtered into shish kebab or assist them at the risk of losing the gold they worked so hard to steal from being stolen?

All I know Is this was a testosterone extravaganza readers. Men dressed in those tight fatigue styles are sooo sexy. Wait, Dave Stewart of Eurythmics is never sexy-- and he has been sporting those on stage lately--but usually. A lot of great visuals are mixed in. I particularly enjoyed the loud 'cow'boom.This movie isn't for everyone. If your into war movies, go. If you like discombobulating editing art, go. If you want to see Clooney and Walhberg in the same frame, GO! The story's good, directions good, cast is great. Guys remember Clooney+ Walhberg = your chick at a war movie, how sweet is that dude?

Snack Recommendation: Freeze dried Burger King rations

Starring: George Clooney, Markie Walhberg, Ice Cube, Spike Jonez

Directed By: David O'Russell

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Nine out of ten of
my psychiatrists recommend it!- EM


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