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The Beach
Think this is a teenybopper flick of the week? Well, yes and no.

Of course it was suppose to star that Scottish stud-la-roo Ewan MacGregor, but alas, Leo and his guaranteed audience appeal won over. Admittedly a tad bitter I went anyway.

The beach will have all Leo's pubescent fans screaming with delight as he's wet and half naked through most of the scenes. Does nothing for me. What's he like twelve? The young ladies beside me squealed with delight each time he reappeared. Annoying to the tenth power. Good thing they find him cute 'cause he can't act his way out of a paper bag in this one!

TB is Trainspotting director Danny Boyle's adaptation of Alex Garland's adventure novel. In a Dixie cup it's a story about how we all want to escape to Eden, away from the doldrums of everyday, our American Beauty like existence.

Our narrator Richard (DiCaprio) is tripping the light fantastic in Thailand (-a creepy place on it's own) when he meets a stranger in this strange place with a handwritten map to an island not unlike the mythical Shangri-La. This stranger, ridiculously named Mr. Daffy Duck, ('Could I get a smidgen of extra psycho on the side please' Robert Carlyle) promptly kills himself in a bloodbath worthy of Tarantino descent that had me heavin' my rice crispie treats. Richard decides to take the map anyway and find this island. As if. Idiot-boydeserves Delervence on Gilligan's Island!.

Anywho, clueless Richard latches on to a wild French couple and off they go to the 'beach.'

You just know something's askew immediately here on this hippy island of Dr. Moreau.

Be wary of communes anywhere, let alone on some weird Thai island without a proper rest room or even more important,an easy evacuation route. As if these patcholi smelling Crosby Stills and Nash cats aren't enough, this 'paradise' just happens to be a full scale drug farm run by extroverted blue-meany drug folk who aint to keen on the Club Med-cappachino drinking crowd crashing their turf.

Hmm. What is a drug dealer to do? These fun seeking fornicating sun chasers now know all about their secret Victory Garden of the five leaved herb. They seem disposable enough. The slaughter, er, adventure begins...

Whatever. I still prefer Leo in What's Eating Gilbert Grape There's just something about him drooling. He's just not a leading man type. I guess it's the word 'man' that gets me. Heck, Neil Patrick Harris (ex Doogie Howser MD star-now on that hilarious 'Stark Raving Mad' NBC) has more manly attributes!

The Beach is fun in a yourabsolutely shocked at how stupid some people can be...oh, yeah,how stupid some scripts can be,-but over all, worth the it's enjoyable enough for six bucks. Leo's acting is always tolerable ...The soundtrack is great for kickboxing.

Snack Recommendation: Thai Take Out

Starring: Leonardo Di Caprio,Tilda Swinton, Virginia Ledoyen, and a wee bit o' Robert Carlyle

Directed By: Danny Boyle


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Nine out of ten of
my psychiatrists recommend it!- EM


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