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End Of Days

End Of Days? Not soon enough it wasn't! Schwartzenegger's back! Yippee! Bite me. This movie was a big gluteus maximus let down. Arnie is so much better when he doesn't open his all. Yes, I understand he's our all American heavy Swiss accented action hero, but hasn't anyone told him we like Bruce Willis better?

I think I'm just annoyed because the concept of this film was so great. The devil wants to breed and start the world fresh and evil. He plants a mother for his child twenty years earlier to bring together his big plan. He must do the devil twist by midnight of New Years 1999 or God reigns for another thousand years. Then there was the promise of an action packed special effect piece . The effects were there but looked like they should have been in a better movie!

Isn't Satan suppose to be clever? A kind of trickster with high intelligence? Not here. End Of Days has Lucie (Gabriel Byrne) break into a Jackie Mason impression pleading with Jericho Cane (ha ha Jericho, as in walls of---ew how clever,) Arnie's ex-cop character with a grudge against God to come over to the dark side! Maybe this Lucifer guy is not so bright. Maybe that's why God expelled him, he kept screwing up things. A Mumaluke of Heaven if you will. Arnie responds in this barely decipherable rumbling about how the devil thinks he's a bad ass? Ha, he doesn't know what bad ass is. I literally laughed out loud at not only the stupidity of the lines but Schwartzie's painfully pathetic delivery of them. EOD's Satan was a semi pussy but, telling Satan your 'tougher than him.' Teeeee heeee. So prey tell., what exactly are we suppose to have as our epitome of high wickedness or pinnacle of fear then? Another David Duchuvny movie? Big Daddy longer and uncut?

Just remember Gabriel Byrne may be good in theater, but he and his agent need to try a different route for the boy cinema wise. Here we find Gabriel 'Don't mention Usual Suspects to me ! That fuck stole my part.' Byrne as The big S. Satan in Armani . Byrne played a priest in that filme de kucka-this summer- Stigmata- now he's back with about the very same outfit except he's on the opposite team. Poor bastard. Granted I am not crazy about the guy, but even he must feel the humiliation of his casting... Can't you hear the movie's moneyman? ..."Get that Byrne guy, we can save on the costuming. Nah, he's not bright enough to figure out the public will notice the similarities between his very last movie...just get him, and a sweet and low." Though, Byrne was given one very clever line here when referring to The Almighty One "Something good happens, it's his will. Something bad happens, he moves in mysterious ways."

Sure they cast two mains from Usual Suspects (Byrne and under rated Kevin Pollack) and sure they even quoted Keyser Soze verbal-lee to a tee. But again that had to be cutting corners and figured we'd enjoy the joke...The other laughs abound here kiddies. Sad, really, as it's supposed to be a scary movie not the over inflated comedy action with many contradictions that it was. Let's see, Satan can be shot at and regenerate no worries mate, till about 3/4 through the movie, then if you so much as hangnail scratch him his flesh flies off and he's starting to look kind of 'Night of the Living Dead-y' Which was a better movie by the way...

And the Devil's bride? Christine (Robin Tunney )? Please. All her life she has visions of wild erotic sex with Byrne, er, Satan when he finally shows up walking through her front door, amid urinated flames (long story) she STILL acts like the wide eyed innocent. Please your yelling at the screen to just let the priest hit men get her already...

Snack Recommendation: Burnt toast and brimstone treacle

Starring: Gabriel Byrne, Robin Tunney, Rod Steiger, Kevin Pollack and the big Swiss/American guy

Directed By: Peter Hyams

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