Well, Oscar night has come and gone, which means it's time to revisit
the First Annual Perfesser Oscar Guess-a-thon to see how I
did. Yes, I realize it's been a week, but it took me that long to
recover from Julia Roberts' marathon speechifying! Actually, I'm not
fully recovered yet. Excuse me while I pour myself another glass of
Ah, that's better!
A quick refresher:
Last week, aided by my intrepid, lap-happy feline, Phoenix, we prognosticated
with the best of them. These are the categories we discussed, with
actual winners noted:
We picked Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; it won. Hassare!
Best Director: We de facto picked Ridley Scott; Steven Soderbergh
won for Traffic. Best Actress: We bucked the trends and picked
Ellen Burstyn; Julia Roberts stole it. Best Actor: We picked Russell
Crowe; he won. Hassare! Best Supporting Actor: We picked Benicio Del
Toro; he won. Hassare! Best Supporting Actress: We picked Frances
McDormand; Marcia Gay Harden won. Best Picture: We picked Gladiator;
it won. Hassare!
Hmm, that took
a while to type. Excuse me while I pour myself another glass of red
Ah, that's better!
As you can see, we predicted correctly in four categories and blew
three. That gives us an average of 57% correct. I think. Hell, I'm
an entertainment arts and literature expert, not a mathematician.
Who do I look like, Einstein? Great hoppin' Easter Bunny, I hope not--I'm
Anyway, we did
slightly better than that overall: out of 23 categories, we got 17
correct, giving us an average of nearly 74%. Hmm, that's pretty good.
I deserve another glass of wine. Phoenix deserves a kitty treat, too...
Excuse me a moment...
Ah, that's better!
What's that you said? You didn't see all my picks, so you can't be
sure I got so many correct?
Well, as they
say, "In vino, veritas," and I'm full of it tonight, baby! In fact,
I think I deserve to Crowe about my success! And no, you blithering
philistines, puns are NOT the lowest form of humor. That last one
was what you rubes call in the vernacular a "knee-slapper."
And Crowe I shall,
as I've been following the career of the mega-talented Kiwi since
long before the star-making machine glommed onto him! In your face,
Russell-haters! He was overlooked for L.A. Confidential, and
he refused to campaign for The Insider, which made it easier
for the gifted Kevin Spacey to slip in and take the prize (don't get
me wrong--Kevin was very good in American Beauty, but Russell
was better in his film).
Yes, the Oscar
should be awarded for the best performance in one year, and not be
a way of redressing a past wrong, but that's not always how it works,
and though I sympathize with Ed Harris, whom I adore, I am ecstatic
for Russell. Go, Russ, go!
As a matter of
fact, let me toast the wins of Crowe, the superb smoldering Del Toro,
the fantabulous flying Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and
the epic blood-fest, Gladiator! Hell's bells, let me go ahead
and toast the winners I didn't predict: the very fine actress, Harden
and the wonderful director, Soderbergh (praise the Heavens it was
for the spectacular Traffic and not the craptacular Erin
And to all the
people in the categories I didn't write about the first time, especially
the Crouching Tiger winners--I tip my entire bottle to you! In fact,
I tip my next bottle to you, too. Er, excuse me. Ah, that's better!
Let me dedicate this next sip to the master of ceremonies, the funny
and acerbic Steve Martin, who was in fine form that evening.
My next sip goes
to Tom Hanks for being a good sport and playing along with Martin's
My next sip goes
to those who didn't win. Better luck next time! What's that you said?
I've left someone out? Ha. Of course I have not. How could I forget
the calculated spontaneity of that yawning maw bursting forth with
that braying torture? That disturbing display of vagina dentata which
caused my male kitties, Phoenix's brother Cato Jr. and his sidekick,
Risky, to flee in mortal terror? Why, they're still cowering under
the bed! Damn you, Julia Roberts, and your faux Hollywood royalty
act! The Oscars should celebrate excellence, and not be reduced to
a coronation ceremony for the representatives of mediocrity! What's
that, Ms. Phoniest Outburst of Impromptu Laughter ever? You
want a piece of the Perfesser?! What, you think that because I'm a
high-falutin', big-word spewin' in-ta-lex-oo-uhl that I can't take
ya? You wanna try me? I'll beat you with one volume of the OED tied
behind my back! I'll bring you down with the force of decades of truly
fine CIN-EE-MAH that is preserved in my massive brain! Get thee behind
me, Mrs. Satan! And stop tormenting me with the infernal sound of
that hideous bray! AIIIEEEEE!!
Ugh, all that
posturing has made me a bit queasy. And these floating empty bottles
swirling about my head aren't helping, curse them! Before this column
has to be renamed "Oscar Upchux," I'd best be ascending my
ivory tower of intellectual pursuits... Besides, the rest of my wine
is up there. Plus Phoenix looks a bit worried--she thinks she sees
Benjamin Bratt coming our way.
Until next time,
fellow fanatics of the entertainment arts! I remain, yours The
Dear God MEOW!
Perfessor. Guess Julia's off your Christmas / Hanukah list, eh? I
kinda like her...I know I'm a pussy...catEmily
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