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Gone in Sixty Seconds

Gone in Sixty Seconds is not the brightest little movie in the window! The audience for this is who? I mean besides the "see anything they do" fans of Nicholas Cage and Anjelina Jolie.

A movie with this hot a cast what's the deal? Okay, Cage is no Shakespearean thespian but he's absolute rock candy dipped in cocoa sweet on the retina- throw the boy a bone. Give him ONE intelligent thing to say..I'm begging you Hollywood. Then there's Anjolina Jolie, who's photo I believe is in the new Funk and Wagner dictionary under description of N.Sexual. She's all fetished up. But even with these two steamy hot potatoes of lust, GI60S lacks gusto.

The wafer thin story goes...Randall ''Memphis'' Raines' (Nicky) little brother Kip (Giovanni Ribisisbisspagettghetti) is in hot water with a viscous monster of a man named "The Carpenter." The Carpenter (Christopher "Sure, I'm a trained British actor-but, mummy, it's Hollywood" Eccleston) it seems has a passion for all things wood. Natch, I thought they were going to have him go " wood shop" on someone and turn them into cabinets. No, he really just digs wood. Seems Kip in his completely brain dead state, brings the fuzz right into the chop shop du Jour where the Carp has been finishing a "boost" of stolen cars. Not good. The stolen cars, worth God only knows how much, are impounded. The Carps pretty mad at young filthy looking Kip. And quite frankly, it's Kip's totally idiotic mentally that really just makes you side with wood lovin' boy.

Anyway, the only one who can save Kip " The Ignorant" is brother "King of Monotone Deliveries"- Memphis. The job? Parlay 50 cars (real nicey nice cars too- not a Yugo to be seen dear reader) and deliver them in the next couple of days to a container ship heading south.

Memphis gathers his cronies from his past, and the fun begins. Oh, there's a rival gang trying to steal all the cars too. Tah! AND if your brain can handle any more excitement there's a cop from Memphis' past who noticed he's in town. He tells him his watching him...Yeah? If he spent one half of an hour following Memphis he would have known the whole twisted scheme. Not to mention the three or four times while spying on the "crew" the chocolate Columbo sees a large list of exotic and expensive cars numbered on a chalk board with girls names beside them and a circle of about eight major car thieves huddled in discussion. Guess he figured it was just a local gathering of Car Fancy subscribers, nothing suspicious at all. Please.

Dumb au de Dumb dialog abounds in GI60S. It's not Quentin Tarantino folks, heck it's not even Jerry Springer. Oscar winner? Let me catch me breath. But, even with all this kucka the movie has certain "it's so bad, it's good" feel. There's lots of car chases, ghetto humor and pretty cars. It's a car fest extravaganza-nothing more. Admittedly, I can't think of anyone I prefer to spend two hours glaring at than Nicholas Cage. So, for solely personal reasons, I semi-enjoyed the thing. And for those who prefer female pelts, Ms. All That , Angelina's all blonde dreadlocks and sexy lip posing through out for you. Together the sex (which the movie had none) oozing from their pores kept the whole movie revved at 300 rpms. Still stupid but revved.

There are few who will like this. Perhaps wait till it's video or take it for what it is... campy cheesy vacant action movie 101. Remember GI60S grandpapa is producer Jerry Bruckheimer. Jerr's famous for such memorable testosterone pumped tales as The Rock AKA Sweaty Men and Implausible Action/Dialog Movie, starring Nicholas Cage . Or his Con Air AKA More Sweaty Men and Implausible Action/Dialog Movie , starring Nicholas Cage. Then there's Jermeisterini's nachos loaded with a humungoid side of refried beans of dick flick, Armageddon AKA The Idiotic Dialog VS. the 3500 Square Mile Asteroid That NASA "Missed" Heading Straight for Earth Movie, oddly enough not starring Nicholas Cage.

Snack Recommendation: Junior Mints and Pepsi One

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Angelina Jolie, Giovanni Ribisi and Robert Duvall

Directed by: Dominic Sena


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