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Ya know the Acme Hollywood Movie Making Machine must be getting quite oiled up by now. Last week I suffered through that ass sucking lame-o-rama celluloid kucka 'Outside Providence' this week it sends us 'Stigmata.' Outside P. was just so bad. Well, here's a summery; a Baldwin (Alec) off Jenny Craig all bloated and pointy, a barracuda mouthed red-haired loser dude with a perpetual look of 'duh' on his befreckled face as the lead, yet another Cameron Diaz-esque waif as his desire, and a whole box of contrived laughs blended with a late seventies setting. Yuck! Oh yeah and tons of dated pot jokes. Pot jokes?? Please.

They really must think they can get away with this. Innocently, I was herded into this supposedly scary movie. Immediately it is way too reminiscent of some annoying MTV video. A bad feeling is coming over me. Them BAM. Gabriel Byrnes. No not him. Jesus, no. He is the unspoken kiss of death. I have to say I, have never liked him. Okay, The Usual Suspects was fabulous-but that was in spite of him.

Stigmata should have been like Exorcist scary, it had a great premise. A church scientist/priest (Byrne) has to investigate an everyday chick from Pittsburgh a who's got stigmata. Stigmata is (if you don't know or didn't care) the five painful parts of Jesus' crucifixion. Spikes through the wrists (hands are usually depicted) Spike through his feet, those thorns around his forehead, a good old fashion whipping and the final blow, a stake through his side. Ouch. Poor guy. Poor Franky (Patricia Arquette-who sadly seems to have graduated from the Nicholas Cage school of acting) she is the current stigmata recipient, considered a blessing from the Catholic church btw.

Franky hasn't a clue-literally. Suddenly she is whipped by invisible demons (?) on a subway, invisibly spiked whilst hanging with Mr. Bubble in her tubble and wait there's more-unfortunately. We sit and view all the awful pains she's enduring-not unlike me in the theater! All the while loud annoying music video flashes are edited in-an obvious hard sell of the way hipper than thou soundtrack.

Enter, Father Kiernan (Gabriel Byrne), priest, scientist, normal guy. He must discover if she is a true stigmata or one of those psychos who goes around piercing rods through their hands and feet in hopes of pity and attention. He quickly learns she's the real enchilada and he needs help. Franky has written some ancient Aramaic (language of Jesus) on her lofts' wall. This little ditty reveals Jesus' big plan, see. It appears the dame could bring down the whole Catholic way if this info gets out. Oh, heavens no. Father Kiernan aka Andrew calls on a Vatican buddy to translate.

Here any redeeming element this movie could have had was lost. It was okay, nay, passable till right here. Now there's a ridiculous element creeping in. Priests spying on priests, secret orders that everyone knows about, a priest who possesses, and sure enough they didn't forget the formula; they give us one particularly mean sonovabitch priest with his henchmen in tow.

Jonathan Pryce is the bad guy priest. He's always the bad guy. The second you see him on the screen you know he's gonna be the bad guy or do something bad. Remember Seven. Remember not knowing who the hell the killer was. No credits, no hints. Remember how creepy you felt when you fist saw John Doe? That's a scary movie-this is not. Skip this folks. Maybe rent it when it goes video next week. Maybe. 'Cause ya know Full Moon Productions and Troma really have the real good an' cheesy horror flicks when you need em.

Snack Recommendation: Communion wafers
Starring: Patricia Arquette and Gabriel Byrne
Directed By: Who cares to much time wasted already on this celloid of kucka

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