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The Perfect Storm

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George Clooney and Marky (Mark) Wahlberg are all beefcaked up and skanky in the Perfect Storm. The docks around my neighborhood never had this kind of Mantuna swimming about. There you found these one-eyed sea skanks with a more the Beetlejuice demeanor sans a limb or two, howling profanities at anything female happening along...Ah, Boston Harbor on a hot July morn. The Perfect Storm's fishermen are much better looking.

Warner Bros. and ILM (Industrial Light and Magic) have successfully recreated the ominous threat of 100 foot plus waves crashing down on a small fishing dingy. Along with those terr'

.ing sounds the wind makes- a clue as to the severity of your storm. A faint Gene Kelly whistle in the rain, = the storm is no worries, an unidentifiable something screaming in agony= the storm's getting severe, then there is the most terrifying sound you could hear... a child playing a Phantom of the Opera-like organ loud and fast, constant and repetitive. This is pure horror. This is the Perfect Storm.

Story 1991 three weather systems collide off the Massachusetts coast. Rare but it does (and did) happen. Billy Tyne (George-let me catch my breath-Clooney), Captain of the Andrea Gail, hasn't been bringing in the fish as of late. His whole business is at stake. The season's coming to an end and he's got to make a big score. He knows of an area far off the usual fishing path. He and his merry ship of sad saps, head out. Sit right back and we'll tell you a tale...comes over the audience.

Among the doomed crew are Bobby Shatford (Mark "le beau petit" Wahlberg), trying to get a new start on life. Murph (John C. "yeah, I was in that...yep, that too" Kelly) an everyday Joe, Alfred Pierre (Allen "chocolatey sweet" Payne), a Jamaican ladies man, and lastly what Massachusetts set film- about men -could exclude a "Sully" short for Sullivan, of which there are no fewer than 1100463 in the Mass phone book. Sully is played by super sweet cream puff William Fichtner.

Now, en route Billy hears about a weather pattern that may be cumbersome for the boys when their done hauling. Billy's got plenty of time to head in before the seas get too rough.A combo platter of ego, and necessity make him think he can have his fish cakes and eat them too. Men! Well, that and the fact, that without this fishy score safely back at shore they are all eating salt Cod and scurvy pills for the winter.

Of course his pier mate, Linda (Mary Elizabeth Judy Susan mastrantonioioioi) Greenlaw, a woman Captain, does the sensible thing and buckles down back at the dock. Then again she's had terrific summer of free flowing fish carcasses to keep her in blubber all winter long. She isn't hungry.

"They're running out of scary adjectives" to describe the storm-a-brewing Linda explains to a determined Billy via ham radio. That's an understatement. What happens to these men almost makes you forget there are stud-muffins (wet and slippery) on the film before you. Simply terrifying. The audience was getting seasick from the realism. Bring your MPB (Movie Puke Bag) along just in case. It's no naked Rosie O'Donnell scene but it's close.

Industrial Light and Magic-famous for Star Wars wizardry- took on the task of creating the stormy sea. Not as easy as it sounds- not to be as convincing as it was! They've done it. You feel as if your aboard the Andrea Gail with the men, fighting for your life.

By the way, you'll hear about protests on the set. Activists picketed the set over the swordfish being abused on the fishing vessel. NO . Sorry Charlie, they were animatronics- rubber fish- not of DNA. Logic. Could you imagine the stench after a 30th take? That cracked me up. Picketing rubber fish...this is why real animal issues get ignored. They make the informed activists look like idiots Know your facts before you ring the press. Just a thought.

You know Hollywood can be cruel. They know women have a certain "affection" for Clooney, and Wahlberg. So, to torture us, they have Clooney grow a Jack London-catch-that-bit-o-food-for- later style beard and Wahlberg - in rubber pants to his chest. It's just not right! And girls, watch out for this William Fichtner fellow. I have been smitten with Willy since Albino Alligator- Even watched that generic hackfest Grace Under Fire when he showed up there. Oh, how I have suffered. He just seems to get riper with age.

This is one hell of a tense film. Enjoy the adrenaline. Be prepared to weep in public though...I was heave cryin' for the last half hour on the poor schmuck next to me.

Snack Recommendation: Fish dip, saltines and beer
Official Site

Starring: George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg, John C. Reilly, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Diane Lane, Karen Allen and William Fichtner

Directed by: Wolfgand Petersen

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