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Tomb Raider

Finally, we gals have a bonafide PG-13 hero to look up to besides that mini-waisted goody-two shoes Barbie or the usual one chromosome shy of being a man heshe physique type like Xena ! Who am I talking about? Angelina Jolie? No, she actually sets us back a few decades with her odd-yet-free-spirted anti-feminist bow-to-my-man lifestyle. I am talking about Tomb Raider, Lara Croft. Lara is going to give young girls and women everywhere a feeling of superiority in a "you go girl " way.

Tomb Raider, the video system game brothers Adrian and Jeremy Heath-Smith created, introduced the sexy- world traveling- big boobied- defender of good, Lara Croft, to the pubescent minions who fantasize about her as they slip into to a haze of masturbatory sleep. Now these lucky fellows can see their dream girl in the flesh, as Jolie was born for the role, really. The similarity between the digital Lara and the celluloid Lara played by Jolie is uncanny.

Jolie's Lady Lara Croft is one tough tom boy-esque-fighting machine-tomb-raiding- sizzling attitude-artillery spewing-barely lipsticked-pouty-lipped-macho-ass kicking- chick babe-mother fu*%er but at the same time she's all girl, independent out spoken and still gets the guy! Oh yeah - dig that!

Tomb Raider begins as Lady Croft (Anjolina 'Yes, I love my brother- what of it- you sick f%$k' Jolie) is heir (of sorts) to a magical clock that holds the whole world's destiny within.

Seems the antiquity houses the "All Seeing Eye" icon and key to the destiny of the world. Same old same old. Ah, but, the trinket, it just so happens, is coming of age- glowing with life- as, simultaneously, all the planets are aligning in the heavens for the first time in 5000 years. This can't be good! Turns out this thing is counting down to some fiendish event...

The story explains, there once was a land before time, as we know it, where God's supreme power reigned in mortal men. They were given this absolute power from God himself. They could use the power bestowed for good or bad...

Guess what? They chose bad- natch. Then kaboom! The end of their civilization. They smelted the ore from the temple into a magical triangle, similar in appearance to the back of US currency- a pyramid with a glaring glowing eyeball. Creepy, yet effective. It "unlocks" the power of the planetary alignment and dons the holder with absolute power. That same power they so misused.

Then they broke this Seeing Eye thingy in two separate pieces and sent each part to separate ends of the earth (kind of like Bill and Hillary Clinton) to ensure peace and goodness remained in power...

Um, but the secret order that keeps the secret's secret has a bad streak in them. There's one among them that would use the power to rule without goodness. Enter order member Manfred (Iain - I'd do 'im-Glen), an attorney. This attorney needs Ms. Croft's snazzy glowing "key" to unlock the triangle gizmo.

New Game!

Angelina Jolie comes to the screen with a deep history and mystique. The quintessential sex kitten that stole Laura Dern's man- Billy Bob Thorton- though we still really wonder why. I mean she could have any man on the planet...Maybe he's well hung or good at, um, foot massage? Yeah, right foot (cunnilingus) massage. Nah, I'm kiddin' the guy's like a genious or something...Face it, whether you're into her or not, Angelina's got that look that men (and clam diggin' women) love. The big pouty lips the smoldering eyes atop a wafer-thin torso. Her snapshot is in the thesaurus' area for images to use as a metaphor of sex. Even so, I'm sure the Tomb Raider fanatics were wigging like the Batman fans did years back when comedian Michael Keaton (where is he!) Got the role of the wealthy winged hero. But, they can relax, this charismatic feline did a fantastic job.

There's a gratuitous shower scene of Jolie to keep the young men and suburbanites from becoming too bored, should the non-stop action and intelligent script lose them. But the filmmakers were tre' intelligent- because as this is really a chick flick disguised as a guy flick they decided to throw in a steamy shower scene of Lara's co-star and love interest, Alex. Every female in the audience, and one or two lads, had their eyes glued forward...hoping...praying for a slip of the winky. No such luck.

Alex played by a rather plain chap, Daniel Craig, grew on you like those addictive little wasabi covered peas, with each scene he was in. You quickly longed for more protein enriched Danmansteak. And after the fore mentioned, "shower" scene he was truly edible.

The boys Lara has assisting her in her bat cave (actually an 84 room mansion romance novels often allude to- not that I've ever read one mind you...), Hilary the Butler played by Red Dwarf's Chris Barrie and the computer wiz- mock battle-bot builder Bryce, played by Noah Taylor are interesting enough to include in the sequels to come. And there will be sequels.

Jon Voight, Angelina's dad plays Lara Croft's dad who's been lost in action somewhere- but not forgotten. Touching.

Loads of action and a golly good story await you in Tomb Raider! This is one summer movie the whole family will dig. Get out and see this action packed root-in-tootin-fun time at the movies. Think ex-beefcake adventurer (and fellow tomb raider) Indiana Jones if he had a sex change, slapped on some colossal breasts and had a quick Beverly Hills style collagen implant in the lips, and you've got our new hero Lara Croft.

Official Site <- more of an advertising blitz than any fun.

Snack Recommendation: Cafe latte de-caf and protein bars.

Starring Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig, Mark Collie, Noah Taylor and Chris Barrie

Directed By: Simon West

Buy Laura Croft - Tomb Raider Two Faces at AllPosters.com
Laura Croft - Tomb Raider Two Faces
Buy this Original Movie Poster

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Nine out of ten of
my psychiatrists recommend it!- EM


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