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Valentine

Of course hearing the movie's star was none other that that man size portion of beefcake extra rare with sauteed shitake mushrooms, resting on a bed of jasmine rice, Angel, er, David Boreanaz, I nearly trampled over several tiny girly high school students to to get my "reserved" third row center seat. Boy was I disappointed! Argh.

I know every young starlet, babe or beau, wants to get involved with the next Scream series or a neu-Halloween even. But, they dropped the script on this lame-o-rama piece of cinema' parasiticpoopkuck.

We, the starry eyed audience, tried so hard to get into the swing of things. We all jumped on the director's staged commands. And like bad carnival help, we mock-gasped with every gory death scene served up to us.

But an antique oxcart from central Costa Rica moves faster then this boring uninteresting waste of a perfectly good evening— believe you me.


Valentine's story goes...Four (five if you count victim one—the appetizer slaughter) female childhood friends, who were cruel to a young male nerdfest squared classmate named Jeremy, in the 6th grade, have all grown up now. The women (Denise Richards, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel) are still not really nice. None are very bright, clever, moral, or quite frankly interesting people. Personality disorders aside, the story moves slowly (<- visual-> a sloth on a lazy day) forward. When the felines start to get death threat's via Valentine's Day cards, thirteen years later...- for NO APPARENT reason- they get a little frightened. Then they put one and four together and slowly (an all too recurring adjective in this film) figure it must be this boy they were so cruel to as cruel children. That and the signature, Jeremy Melten, signed on the sympathy card at the first victim's house and each of their creepy Valentine's Day cards initials, JM, match .

Who's the killer? Hmm. Is it the weirdo guy the director wants us to think it is?...Nah. Is it the handsome if a bit dull boyfriend Adam (Angel, er Boreanaz)?...Nah. Is it the sexist detective?...Nah. Who-who could it be???? Why's this guy so pissed thirteen years later?????? Why thirteen? Give us a bone...something to sink our inquisitive teeth into amonst all the slashing eh?

Shame on Denise Richards for doing this! She's been so fun to watch in the past. I adored that campy cheesy Drop Dead Gorgeous! I hope she makes better choices in the future.

Marley Shelton is Diane in theater 2 with the very funny Sugar & Spice. Go see that instead! Mar's wonderful and refreshing in that!

Then there's Mr. Attractive. The man responsible for myself and an audience of panting under aged- silver mouthed-Aguilerra look alikes even wanting-trying-forced to endure this piece of...David Boraxeanzo. He plays that vampire Angel all oozing of sexuality. Angel's the dark, deep, tall, broad shouldered ex- boyfriend of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Dave's great on his show— of course he doesn't have to say all that much and is usually upset and brooding. Moodiness, for some reason, is an automatic sexual device for women of all ages. Freudian for sure. I hope this movie isn't the ghost of Christmas future for the man...

If you ask me the cast didn't die fast enough! I ate like a wild tribal outcast from Survivor 2 the whole way through this. Then I snuck into Traffic for the last 20 minutes just to shake off the bitter hate I had for this awful movie.

Say, I've got a Valentine for you:
Roses are red, Violets are blue, don't you dare waste your money on this movie too!

Snack Recommendation: Dinner at a nice Sushi Bar- skip the movie!

Starring: David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Katherine Heigl, Fulvio Cecere and Daniel Cosgrove

Directed By: Jamie Blanks (<-Tah)

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Roses are red,Violets Blue , Don't waste your money on this Too!

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Nine out of ten of
my psychiatrists recommend it!- EM


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