The Ring Two

Starring: Naomi Watts, Sissy Spacek, and David Dorfman
Directed by: Hideo Nakata

 Buy The Ring Collector's Edition
Soundtrack Review

Bluntly speaking? Do I really even need to write this one? The Ring Two is based on the Ring One, which was based on the biggest Japanese hit, like, ever, ' Ringu.' It's obviously a mere strain of its genetic ancestry. Blechy-poo. Though it was kind of unintentionally humorous, the film droned on till we were all anxiously awaiting the seventh day…(<- an inside joke for Ring folks...)

Story goes…Rachel (Naomi Watts) and her boy, Aidan (David Dorfman) have started a new life way up north in a hickyville-ish Rockwell area after that nasty videotape business where folks died and such, six months before.

But uh-oh, there's been a murder…and Rachel suspects the "unmarked" vhs found at the crime scene. Who even has vhs's anymore after all...Naturally Rach thinks the entity thingy (aka Samara) with the big hair across her ass for the world, who spites those antiquated enough to view vhs, is baaaaccckk. Of course it is. Then again…

We suffer through scenes designed to make us jump in fear - but without the use of 'The Tingler's' handy electronic hook ups to our theater seats one just troughs like a human Tyrannosaur Rex on the high carb-endorphin inducing snack fare to even stay awake.

Naomi Watts, as Rachel, suburban mom and Mrs. Columbo of the Northwest, basically carries the film. She's a mega-talent among the dribble; the creme brulee among the bundt cakes of one's pot-luck table. Sissy Spacek, who plays a doctor, is always delightfuly Carrie-esque even when she's just "there."

Okay, admittedly, the scariest part (for me) is on the ad for this schlockfest. That whole broken body walking up some well scene, ala The Exorcist up-the-stairs scene, wigs me out - I mean therapy scary to me. But, for folks without "hang-ups," you may find this a barrel of laughs. Remember, they say, "before you die you see the ring"…it doesn't say anything about having to see the Ring Two! Skip this - wait till rental.

Snack recommendation: Ring Dings you buy at the videoblockmeister for your evening's entertainment - saving the smackers you'd spend on this sheetkadeedle.