WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE
Liam Neeson, Jake Lloyd, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor
Directed by: George Lucas
all I can say is thank the Naboobian lords I didn't camp out to
see this starship of tedium...WHY WOULD YOU?
have all waited with baited breath to catch up with all our old
friends; C-3PO, Yoda, Obi-Wan. And they came to us, in what promised
to be a great cast. Oh, sure they had star power, Ewan McGregorrrr,
Liam (yummy!) Neeson and Samuel L. Jackson. HOWEVER,
let's start my long list of complaints with Sammy. He had, um,
three lines? You know by now, I love that dude.
So imagine my utter and complete shock when he got so dissed!
Was he edited? Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan) was pimply and diminutive
next to (Liam) the giant Jedi. Obi was also a bit clueless at
times; more like Jed Clampett than a Jedi.
I have to whine about that hideous creature, Jar Jar Binks, the
sidekick to Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Neeson). Binks was like
the Jerry Lewis of the alien galaxy. He was just annoying, contrived
and unlikable. His spastic dialog and moronic accent had my skin
crawling! What was hean interplanetary Rasta Man
lizard? Those stupid long ears (or whatever they were) and his
dumb antics were NOT funny. The horrible creature seemed a tad
politically incorrect as well. I just can't talk about it anymore..I
story is, the planet Naboo is in the way of the Trade Federation's
route for profit. They want/need to take over the place. This
Trade Federation has corruption and greed galorekinda like
the New York garment district. Enter Queen Amidala, a half Geisha,
half Hellraiser creature with fabulous outfits. She's a strong
young lady who refuses to sit back and watch her planet be overthrown
(unlike most other 17 year olds who would have been out
at the pod races or chasing studly Nabooian hunks). Whatever.
By 45 minutes in, I didn't know who was where and what was what,
but again, nice threads on Queenie. The Star Wars geek next to
me had to explain everything...'Okay, now see him...well...he's
like the dude who you know like...well...remember in the first
movie ...like when ...' They should give you limited edition cliff
notes with the popcorn on this puppy. Just don't think you can
just stroll innocently into this movie without knowledge of like,
all 6 episodes to figure out who everyone was.
the way, if your confused too, don't feel like an idiot. See,
this is a "prequel", a Hollywood term they made up to
mean the movie before the movie. Meaning 'we made so much money,
unexpectedly from the others , think of something, anything, to
reel in more doughski and throw in a goofy-like character. Make
'im like Jerry Lewis. I always loved Jerry Lewis.Ya, the kids
will love it, I can see the toy shelves now.' And further more,
the title Phantom Menace made no sense either. What was
the Phantom Menace? The plot?
Maul, the scarcely seen mega villain, looked more like he was
a lost member of KISS or in the WWF rather than part of the ultra
cool Darth clique. The storm troopers who, you may remember
made us all tremble with fear from the previous episode, have
been replaced by "Battle Droids"; wimpy, anorexic robots
that crumble when touched. Ohhh, scary! Pleeeasse! The 8-year-old
next to me asked his daddy what gay meant.
Darth Vader, aka Anikan, aka Annie (yeah, that name will
help him be a man) was cute. Too cute, sometimes, but compared
to the other stars walking around trying to be Jedi masters and
Queens and some suchhe was great. Especially compared to
the aliens that were head of the Trade Federation that sounded
like waiters in a Chinese restaurant. Trade, shmade--give me the
moo-goo gai pan, with extra water chesnuts Ling..
is in this, too. He's not really a nice little fella. Very cantankerous
and uncooperative. His circle of Jedi leaders was in a word-ridiculous.
One hysterical and particularly odd leader, looked like a Q-Tip.
It was so distracting I actually laughed out loud. His neck kept
floating back and forth so much it almost mesmerised me into liking
the movie. Almost.
have to say the special effects by ILM (Industrial Lights and
Magic) were fabulous. The underwater city and swamp creatures
are like a ride at Universal Studios. They were seamlessunlike
Liam's wig! Every time he wrinkled his Cro-Magnon head you could
see the glue on that dried tumbleweedawful.
know, Georgie Lucas made a couple of masterpieces years ago. He
was a visionary back then, now it seems the visionary has developed
cataracts. With the budget he was allowed for this epic dung heaphe
should have found a script writer to collaborate withto
make the verbal diarrhea that flowed more touching and realya
know, like the real Star Wars.
Wait till it's out on video. Then borrow it.
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