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 Sum
of All Fears
Starring:
Ben Affleck, Morgan Freeman, Alan Bates, James Cromwell and Leiv
Schreiber
Directed by: Phil Alden Robinson
Rated: R
This
film, in the immortal slang of Ben Affleck's hometown, is FRIGGIN'
RATAHDED!
Everyone
was so concerned about Ben Affleck in the role of Tom Clancy's
sleak slick inteligent agent Jack Ryan. After all look who played
the man prior; Harrison Ford and Alec Baldwin. And the truth is
I can't really tell you if he did a good job or not because the
role, as written here, was so godawful on so many intricate
diversified levels it would be unfair to say the actor had a fair
chance at not sucking! I mean I don't know what's worse,
the dialog, the scene direction, the story, the costumes? The
whole kit-n-caboodle had a rotten kielbasa sausage that'd-been-left-in-the-third-drawer-of-the-fridge-for-over
-a-month smell to it! So to blame Affleck's smarmy performance
would be unfair.
The
film's story, and I use that term in it's lowest first grade writer
spun a whimsical- tale -about -bad- guys -who- blow- up -things
definition, is so abhorringly unrealistic and fantastical I had
to really talk myself into staying put in the artic cold theater.
Jack
Ryan (Ben-ooch this was bad, I'm rethinking my smit level boy-Affleck)
is an analyst for the C.I.A. which in this film stands for Can't
Investigate Anything. He's the (only???!!!) expert on the new
Russian President. His boss, Bill Cabot (Morgan Freeman) comes
to him for advice on the matter. Cabot , a top security official,
needs Jack to fill him in on the what's and where's on this new
president....is the guy a meanie or not….PLEASE!
Faster
than fat multiplies on Rosie O'Donnell's thighs there's a major
incident and the new president is all up in arms - literally-
about Chechnya. Or rather what use to be Chechnya!
Seems
some unknown lunatic (Alan Bates) with a Hitler squared complex
bombed the place and the American's think it's the new Ruskie
Prez and they want blood! Ryan chirps up in defense of the Prez
he studied for some paper he wrote and is ignored completely thanks
to the Ruskie's CONFESSION!
Yes,
the Alfred Molina look-a-like Ruskie Prez would rather accept
the accusation and stand by "his" attack then admit
that he's clueless as to what happened. It's that whole men not
being able to admit they are wrong and simply ask for directions
thing, only with world peace and nuclear weapons instead of an
empty gas tank and a grumbling stomach.
Ah-ha
dat is vat de neuNazi-like man mit da sinister smirk wanted; a
war between the USA and Russia. Have the two super powers annihilate
themselves so Aryans and white supremacists everywhere could unite
and rule the left over world! Arrrgggghhh. Cue typical action
film music.
Pathetic
huh? Tom Clancy the author of the best selling novel actually
made the events and the people a tad more intelligent and a pinch
more believable in the book. In this big-studio translation
the country seems to be run by hotheaded dorkmen that just can't
seem to believe their own hired specialists or listen to reason.
Reason, that in this case, comes from one source….one
human….one guy in the know. So stupid!
The
worst of the worst scenes, and there are a plethora to choose
from, is when Cabot is sitting beside the President of the United
States (James Cromwell) at a packed football game at the Baltimore
Forum. Jack, who has gone from lowly analyst to super saavy stunt
spy in twenty minutes, has learned about a lost nuclear warhead
that had been bought by the fore mentioned Hitler wanna be. Naziguy
got it form a from an arms dealer who got it from Laurel and Hardy
er…um… Hassan and Nasser. They are these are simple
gravediggers who dug it up one evening and sold it (haha) for
400.00. Now the warhead has arrived---that very morning--- at
the Baltimore pier. Okay forget the fact that only Jack seems
to be on the case, aside form an 'unreachable' spy (Leiv Schreiber)
sniffing the trail in Haifa and such, BUT Cabot's cell phone is
ringing and ringing as the idiot is obliviously watching the football
game! AS FRIGGIN IF! The world is about to be launched into WW3.The
situation is at defcon 3 and here's Cabot
(remember), one of the highest-ranking security officials we are
told and shown, taking a wee break from gaurding the world to
watch the pigskin fly about. He's unreachable hangin' with the
prez sippin' brewskis and chillin' on a stadium dog! My head throbbed
with annoyance at this point folks.
Baltimore
gets leveled and practically all the important cast members survive
without a dramatic scratch or broken bone among them. Hey that's
not hard to believe it was just one little nuclear warhead that
leveled a city!
OH
how I hated this piece of celluloid poo. I wont even bore you
with the lame-o-rama love story subplot that added another level
of pathetic to this. I always stick up for Affleck and I take
a lot of malarkey for it. This time I must side with the darker
side and say Bennie you really need to stop and maybe book a nice
thinking independent piece by a cerebral writer and avante
gard original director with some true thespians man.
Morgan
Freeman shame on you for luring me with your immense talents to
this charade.
Liev Schreiber was adorable as usual….of course his talents
wasted on a pointless character in the story. But he was a edible
visual treat yumming up the screen breifly within all the yuck.
Rent RKO 281 with Cromwell and Schreiber as William Randolph
Hearst and Orson Welles sometime it's
great.
Snack
Recommendation: Dinner and another film…..like maybe
Spiderman or CQ
even Insomnia which was a five
star flick compared to this hideous farce that should have never
found its way out of its craphole. 'nough said?
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