Swordfish

Starring: John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Don Cheadle
and Vinnie Jones

Directed by: Dominic Sena

More like water-packed chunk canned tuna! Sorry, but this was pretty much a slow ride in a fancy car stuck on cruise control heading for the exit ramp marked Dull City Central.

John Travolta is one of my faves. Sure, I even loved Battlefield Earth. Love is a strong erroneous word.... but I enjoyed it at least. Here, John's creepy smirk is perfect. His ultra-bad guy hairdo reminiscent of über-villian Gary Oldman in The 6th Sense. But even John's super smooth presence can't save this.

Swordfisheses' story is just too wilted spinachy. Too melodramatic and simultaneously lacking the metaphorical "side of beef" the carnivorous appetite of the movie going audience yearned for. It was so promising. Look at the cast; Hugh Jackman, once again in a different style role. There'll be no stereotyping of this guy- if he can help it. Halle Berry, who I don't know but looks like a bitch. Like the type that would cut in front of you in the check out and throws you "the look" of self-absorbed-superiority that contains that whole I-am- a-royal-princess-bow-to-me-minion rant within a single fleeting glance... I could be wrong. That gorgeous, yet Neanderthal -ish Vinnie Jones. Vinnie's kind of a lug head with a certain blatant sexual magnetism. Best known from the Guy Ritchie flicks Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. And the ever-brilliant Don Cheadle. This guy morphs into a new character faster than those long forgotten Power Ranger guys. And of course, fore mentioned revivalist Travolta

But for all the man candy and even a shot of Halle Berry boobies for the guys...it's still just okay. Sigh.

The one Hollywood mega car chase/ shoot-em-up scene between Travolta and some badder bad guys was very Steven Segal-ly with a pinch of Bruckheimer, laced with essence of Terminator. Yawn. The car itself was cool though!

Story goes...A really bad, yet confusingly good guy Gabriel (John " You ask me to do the hustle one more time and I'll f*&^in deck you- so help me" Travolta) hires the world's greatest living computer hacker to help him hack into a fortune. The fortune goes to fund terrorism to help abolish, terrorism. To attack the attackers shall we say.

This computer hacker Stanley (Hugh "Slurpable" Jackman) is well paid by Gabriel, and needs this money to reunite with the apple of his eye...Gabriel's tangible little pawn, er, Stanley's daughter. Stanley just wants his daughter back in his life. But he's poor and an ex-con. No court outside of Arkansas would give him the child. Naturally the girl's mother's a hoot to boot. She's a drunken pill popper who's remarried to a big porn producer- a real millenium family unit...His little girl is going to need zoloft and big-time therapy never mind her daddy...But, she's all cutesy normal now.

With the deal cemented between the two men discuss Gabe's plan.

This Gabriel is an ethical guy. Insane, but ethical. If Stanley does what he's been paid to do then all is well.

Without further ado Gabriel and his merry gang of mercenaries hit a bank in broad daylight. They wire the hostages with plastic explosive vests and evil dog collars that keep the captures within a certain parameter or kapooey!

The anti-terrorism fund operation is underway and we are heading towards the plot. The plot is clever. If you pay attention you're in the know before it dawns on old marble head Stanley, but still it was different.

Hugh Jackman is in everything lately, and that's a good thing if you're into lean- mean- man machines with a hint of smokin' scruffy. MMM. A lickable lad with delectable looks. Meow. The "towel" scene was endorphine producing magic. Not sure what they were actually saying...

But, still wait and rent this, cause you will want to replay the chase scene a few times and there's nothing in it that warrants venturing forth into a cavernous multiplex and risking hypothermia from the - 50° air-conditioning.

There is a fantastic flying bus that'll have you mortified for hours if you are already a certifiable two valium, one percocet and a double martini before you can manage to board an aircraft type, like myself. Shudder

Snack Recommendation: Lemon basted swordfish and fiddlehead fern in butter sauce.