John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Don Cheadle
and Vinnie Jones
by: Dominic Sena
like water-packed chunk canned tuna! Sorry, but this was pretty
much a slow ride in a fancy car stuck on cruise control heading
for the exit ramp marked Dull City Central.
Travolta is one of my faves. Sure, I even loved Battlefield
Earth. Love is a strong erroneous word.... but I enjoyed
it at least. Here, John's creepy smirk is perfect. His ultra-bad
guy hairdo reminiscent of über-villian Gary Oldman in The
6th Sense. But
even John's super smooth presence can't save this.
story is just too wilted spinachy. Too melodramatic and simultaneously
lacking the metaphorical "side of beef" the carnivorous
appetite of the movie going audience yearned for. It was so
promising. Look at the cast; Hugh Jackman, once again in a different
style role. There'll be no stereotyping of this guy- if he can
help it. Halle Berry, who I don't know but looks like a bitch.
Like the type that would cut in front of you in the check out
and throws you "the look" of self-absorbed-superiority
that contains that whole I-am- a-royal-princess-bow-to-me-minion
rant within a single fleeting glance... I could be wrong. That
gorgeous, yet Neanderthal -ish Vinnie Jones. Vinnie's kind of
a lug head with a certain blatant sexual magnetism. Best known
from the Guy Ritchie flicks Lock Stock & Two Smoking
Barrels and Snatch. And
the ever-brilliant Don Cheadle. This guy morphs into a new character
faster than those long forgotten Power Ranger guys. And of course,
fore mentioned revivalist Travolta
But for all the man candy and even a shot of Halle Berry boobies
the guys...it's still just okay. Sigh.
one Hollywood mega car chase/ shoot-em-up scene between Travolta
and some badder bad guys was very Steven Segal-ly with
a pinch of Bruckheimer, laced with essence of Terminator.
Yawn. The car itself was cool though!
goes...A really bad, yet confusingly good guy Gabriel (John
" You ask me to do the hustle one more time and I'll f*&^in
deck you- so help me" Travolta) hires the world's greatest
living computer hacker to help him hack into a fortune. The
fortune goes to fund terrorism to help abolish, terrorism. To
attack the attackers shall we say.
This computer hacker Stanley (Hugh "Slurpable" Jackman)
is well paid by Gabriel, and needs this money to reunite with
the apple of his eye...Gabriel's tangible little pawn, er, Stanley's
daughter. Stanley just wants his daughter back in his life.
But he's poor and an ex-con. No court outside of Arkansas would
give him the child. Naturally the girl's mother's a hoot to
boot. She's a drunken pill popper who's remarried to a big porn
producer- a real millenium family unit...His little girl is
going to need zoloft and big-time therapy never mind her daddy...But,
she's all cutesy normal now.
With the deal cemented between the two men discuss Gabe's plan.
Gabriel is an ethical guy. Insane, but ethical. If Stanley does
what he's been paid to do then all is well.
Without further ado Gabriel and his merry gang of mercenaries
hit a bank in broad daylight. They wire the hostages with plastic
explosive vests and evil dog collars that keep the captures
within a certain parameter or kapooey!
anti-terrorism fund operation is underway and we are heading
towards the plot. The plot is clever. If you pay attention you're
in the know before it dawns on old marble head Stanley, but
still it was different.
Jackman is in everything lately, and that's a good thing if
you're into lean- mean- man machines with a hint of smokin'
scruffy. MMM. A lickable lad with delectable looks. Meow.
The "towel" scene was endorphine producing magic.
Not sure what they were actually saying...
still wait and rent this, cause you will want to replay the
chase scene a few times and there's nothing in it that warrants
venturing forth into a cavernous multiplex and risking hypothermia
from the - 50° air-conditioning.
There is a fantastic flying bus that'll have you mortified for
hours if you are already a certifiable two valium, one percocet
and a double martini before you can manage to board an aircraft
type, like myself. Shudder
Recommendation: Lemon basted swordfish and fiddlehead fern
in butter sauce.