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Ted
An Emily Blunt Review
Starring Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Joel McHale, and Ted
Directed by: Seth McFarlane

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Okay, here’s the dealio…Ted should, by all mathematical accountings, be hysterical; Mark Wahlberg had this chickbabe’s comedy-lovin’ heart post viewing his commitment to the absurd in “I Heart Huckabees.” Seth MacFarlane has created, and voiced, a few of Pop Culture's funniest cartoon characters to ever make it to a small screen. So….why does Ted suck the time from your soul? Well…

Story goes…Ted is a teddy bear that comes to life. But, not for a day, for life. The cuteness wears off. Much like the shtick itself. Ted's boy, John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg), grows up to be an uber-slacker-sort with a ever-suffering gal pal (Mila Kunis). It’s the age-old story of great gal stuck with loser…and we’re to believe it, and be happy for her. But I digress...

The plot is wafer-thin, so, perhaps, I do not even need to type this but, I will anyway; stretching out a what could easily be a short to-the-point few-word-review, you know, much like McFarlane did with this movie - ahem. So, naturally, John‘s pot smoking along side his friendship with a Peter Griffin-voiced kinda crude talking NC17-rated teddy bear has-been child-star, breaks the relationship in two.

In slithers the woman’s Sleastac boss (Joel McHale). He’s a rare-species skin-tight suit away from being too douche to even watch. Then again, it’s Joel McHale underneath all that generic fart-toned humor, and he’s swell on the eyes and has a few of the funnier parts. Will he steal away the princess? What do you think? And remember...generic. Real generic here. No points if you guess right either. That is, if you still watch it post annihilation here that is.

Meanwhile, a off-from-left-field but not in a needed or particularly great way, come Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) and son. They are intent on stealing for their own this talking Ted. You’ll have to block out the John and Ted Keith Moon-style hotel room destruction scene of five minutes pre-kidnap (I am ruining nothing, like I said wafer-thin) as within the frames Ted showed the audience he’s very able to wop some buttock in one of the funnier bits of the whole movie. Ah. But, then he isn’t. Bad McFarlane bad boy. Script supervisor? Friend that says, “No!” ?

Maybe that’s it? The key! This is not for all people. It’s for an altered state of mind group of people who could watch say ten hours of Family Guy and still be roaring during that final episode. That sort that still like fart jokes and bombardment of innuendos thrown towards their funny bone. Ted's just silly and ultimately clever for ten minutes, four guffaws, and one snort. Really childish jokes; including gay jokes that may have been politically shocking twenty years ago? Maybe that’s it. McFarlane wrote this as a struggling artist, high in his North Hollywood studio apartment while crying into his childhood teddy bear? I am always wary – and usually not surprised – something duds when I see several writers attached. It usually says to this reviewer, “We had a helluva time making a one-sentence idea into a full-length film. But, we had the power and money behind us to do it…and well…our egos were a bit full of themselves.” Ted, sadly does not change this theory.

Wahlberg, Kunis, Ribisi, and McHale acting-wise are spot on, and the film’s direction is by McFarlane superb. It’s just all that dialog, and the scenes that ruin it.

PS this is NOT (if you even thought it was with McFarlane driving) a vehicle for the wee ones. At all. Lots and lots of sex and drug stuff - and references only either a Bostonian or someone aged 40+ will even get.

Snack Recommendation: Chinese food out with the money you saved from buying or renting this.

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