we gals have a bonafide PG-13 hero to look up to besides that
mini-waisted goody-two shoes Barbie or the usual one chromosome
shy of being a man heshe physique type like Xena ! Who am I talking
about? Angelina Jolie? No, she actually sets us back a few decades
with her odd-yet-free-spirted anti-feminist bow-to-my-man lifestyle.
I am talking about Tomb Raider, Lara Croft. Lara is going to give
young girls and women everywhere a feeling of superiority
in a "you go girl " way.
Raider, the video system game brothers Adrian and Jeremy Heath-Smith
created, introduced the sexy- world traveling- big boobied- defender
of good, Lara Croft, to the pubescent minions who fantasize about
her as they slip into to a haze of masturbatory sleep. Now these
lucky fellows can see their dream girl in the flesh, as Jolie
was born for the role, really. The similarity between the digital
Lara and the celluloid Lara played by Jolie is uncanny.
Lady Lara Croft is one tough tom boy-esque-fighting machine-tomb-raiding-
sizzling attitude-artillery spewing-barely lipsticked-pouty-lipped-macho-ass
kicking- chick babe-mother fu*%er but at the same time she's all
girl, independent out spoken and still gets the guy! Oh yeah -
Raider begins as Lady Croft (Anjolina 'Yes, I love my brother-
what of it- you sick f%$k' Jolie) is heir (of sorts) to a magical
clock that holds the whole world's destiny within.
the antiquity houses the "All Seeing Eye" icon and key
to the destiny of the world. Same old same old. Ah, but, the trinket,
it just so happens, is coming of age- glowing with life- as, simultaneously,
all the planets are aligning in the heavens for the first time
in 5000 years. This can't be good! Turns out this thing is counting
down to some fiendish event...
story explains, there once was a land before time, as we know
it, where God's supreme power reigned in mortal men. They were
absolute power from God himself. They could use the power bestowed
for good or bad...
what? They chose bad- natch. Then kaboom! The end of their civilization.
They smelted the ore from the temple into a magical triangle,
similar in appearance to the back of US currency- a pyramid with
a glaring glowing eyeball. Creepy, yet effective. It "unlocks"
the power of the planetary alignment and dons the holder with
absolute power. That same power they so misused.
Then they broke this Seeing Eye thingy in two separate pieces
and sent each part to separate ends of the earth (kind of like
Bill and Hillary Clinton) to ensure peace and goodness remained
but the secret order that keeps the secret's secret has a bad
streak in them. There's one among them that would use the power
to rule without goodness. Enter order member Manfred (Iain - I'd
do 'im-Glen), an attorney. This attorney needs Ms. Croft's
snazzy glowing "key" to unlock the triangle gizmo.
Jolie comes to the screen with a deep history and mystique. The
quintessential sex kitten that stole Laura Dern's man- Billy Bob
Thorton- though we still really wonder why. I mean she could have
any man on the planet...Maybe he's well hung or good at, um, foot
massage? Yeah, right foot (cunnilingus) massage. Nah, I'm kiddin'
the guy's like a genious or something...Face it, whether you're
into her or not, Angelina's got that look that men (and clam diggin'
women) love. The big pouty lips the smoldering eyes atop a wafer-thin
torso. Her snapshot is in the thesaurus' area for images to use
as a metaphor of sex. Even so, I'm sure the Tomb Raider fanatics
were wigging like the Batman fans did years back when comedian
Michael Keaton (where is he!) Got the role of the wealthy winged
hero. But, they can relax, this charismatic feline did a fantastic
a gratuitous shower scene of Jolie to keep the young men and suburbanites
from becoming too bored, should the non-stop action and intelligent
script lose them. But the filmmakers were tre' intelligent- because
as this is really a chick flick disguised as a guy flick they
decided to throw in a steamy shower scene of Lara's co-star and
love interest, Alex. Every female in the audience, and one or
two lads, had their eyes glued forward...hoping...praying for
a slip of the winky. No such luck.
played by a rather plain chap, Daniel Craig, grew on you like
those addictive little wasabi covered peas, with each scene he
was in. You quickly longed for more protein enriched Danmansteak.
And after the fore mentioned, "shower" scene he was
boys Lara has assisting her in her bat cave (actually an 84 room
mansion romance novels often allude to- not that I've ever
read one mind you...), Hilary the Butler played by Red Dwarf's
Chris Barrie and the computer wiz- mock battle-bot builder Bryce,
played by Noah Taylor are interesting enough to include in the
sequels to come. And there will be sequels.
Voight, Angelina's dad plays Lara Croft's dad who's been lost
in action somewhere- but not forgotten. Touching.
of action and a golly good story await you in Tomb Raider!
This is one summer movie the whole family will dig. Get out and
see this action packed root-in-tootin-fun time at the movies.
Think ex-beefcake adventurer (and fellow tomb raider) Indiana
Jones if he had a sex change, slapped on some colossal breasts
and had a quick Beverly Hills style collagen implant in the lips,
and you've got our new hero Lara Croft.
Site <- more of an advertising blitz than any fun.
Recommendation: Cafe latte de-caf and protein bars.
Starring Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig, Mark Collie, Noah
Taylor and Chris Barrie
By: Simon West
Laura Croft - Tomb Raider Two Faces
this Original Movie Poster