Starring: Brad Pitt, Eric Bana , Orlando Bloom, Diane Kruger,
Peter O''Toole and Brian Cox
Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen
speaking? Never has a finer extravaganza of deliciously
defined dueling manly-men been put to film... it is, however,
Homer-lite in the telling of the epic tale. A kind of computer
generated battlefield ballet with a high-brow Cro-Magnon intelligence
version of Homers' Iliad that "borrows" from the tried
and true mega-hit combos found in Gladiator
(less the soul) and Lord of the Rings
(less the spirit, or breadth). As a summer blockbuster it's fun
enough - for the first two hours! But the violence is going to
be too much for kids (I'm warnin' ya) and the story too long for
normal blockbuster faring folks, and yet too riddled with holes
for the Homer lovin' of the viewers.
goes, in case you've forgotten...Paris, Prince of Troy (Orlando
Bloom), has made off with the beautiful Helen (Diane Kruger)
is Ms. Helen is presently the Queen of Sparta. Tsk-tsk.
husband, King Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson), is none to keen on a
divorce, or scandal, or willing to be the least bit modern about
the whole "affair."
king is simply beside himself over the whole thing and weeps into
his brother's arms -so to speak.
King's brother Agamemnon (Brian Cox) - in a hoity pretense of
honor - hires warriors to basically snag the two-timing woman
back. But Troy has two things going for it - a strong King (Peter
O'Toole) and another prince - brother of Paris. This son, named
Hector (Eric Bana), is super duper extra handy in battle.
the tribes gather to breakdown the walls of Troy, Achilles (Brad
Pitt), the world's greatest warrior alive starts to think this
battle is big big news and sees in it a chance for his own infamy
- or a chance to be a myth, err, hero in the books forever...
a mixture of blinded arrogance, and actual ability served on a
hot bun of loves-himself; a tad narcissistic. He comes eye to
eye with Hector.
Hector too thinks of himself as unbeatable - till now he has been...and
he wants this cocky Achilles for lunchand I don't mean sandwiches
pretty much it. The whole battle of Troy fiasco was over a Brooklynese-style
extra-marital affair exploited by power hungry relatives and pretty-boys
with battlefield toys.
those toys are violent! In fact it's odd how the violence is one
of the few truly representative parts of the famous poem. Gone
are the flamboyant gods we love to recall during a Trivial Pursuit
game. And gone too is any depth of character - the singularity
of these people that made Homer's tale so timeless. We watch ...and
watch.... for three hours but in the end never really get to know
anyone, or rather, truly care for anyone.
talk torts - mantorts. Orlando Bloom, a genuinely handsome chap,
as Paris, looksdare I say it aloud for fear thou wouldst
smote me and banish me to Mephistopheles' liar for an eon of darkness
forth? I shallElfin next to Eric Bana and Brad Pitt. He
does however act as Paris was meant to be; according to Homer,
the man was not exactly hero material or even that brave...hot,
yes, he was always a McHotty Cakes with a side of Maple syrup
flavored dipping sauce.
Rex, aka Eric Bana, comes from the manly-man "Four H (Hot,
Handsome, Hunky and Huggable) Club Capitol of the World"
Australia. Dear yum is he sizzling. Ladies we have a looker here
of extreme proportions in more ways than one!
of manly samplings of pure yum - the Achilles' heal of my little
man lovin' heart - that extraordinary talent, stepped in a rare
mixture of noshable spicy bits, Brad Pitt, was quite fun
as Achilles. Bana's machismo however, steals the show and Brad
kind of comes off as a surfer-dude on a valium & steroids
oodles of greats making appearances like Brian Cox and Peter O'Toole
and even Sean Bean.
the Trojan War, by Hollywood's make-it-or-break it box office
creedo aint so easy. The sets, the effects and cast look fantastic
(though the costumes look like rentals for Lot Rentals-R-Us).
But director Wolfgang Petersen, who had made the decision from
the first, not to go mythical with his Troy, should have
taken the step over the edge of madness and made a five hour epic
- who's counting? Give us the glorious gods we all know and love
- without them, character development and the guts behind all
the literal guts,Troy, even with its handsome blue-chip
actor package meant to dazzle us with their shimmering man beauty
(smoke and mirrors-ish), just droned on and on...making this reviewer
glance longingly towards the inviting illumination of the theater's
exit signs .
A Grecian Grillfest Mansteak BBQ - with plenty of eunuchs to keep
the wine flowing...