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Unfaithful

Starring: Diane Lane, Richard Gere, Oliver Martinez, Erik Per Sullivan and Chad Lowe
Directed by: Adrian Lyne
Rated: R

 

Unfaithful is unbelievably boring. The acting's good, obviously, just look at the cast; Richard Gere, Diane Lane. But the story plods along so slow that any attempt to grasp onto even their thespian draw is lost as the sleep fairy smacks you upside the head with snooze dust and drags you into a sleepy schnookie slumber. Zzzzzzzz.

Connie Sumner (Diane -stunning - Lane) has the picture perfect life. She has a big beautiful home, a cute son (Erika Per Sullivan) , and a gorgeous husband, Edward (Richard- scrumptious- Gere) that works hard, fills a suit nicely and happens to adore her….

Naturally, she's bored and wants more.

Lucky for her one day, while innocently out on a little shopping spree, Connie meets a handsome young buck that comes complete with a French accent, brooding eyes, wispy bad-boy hair and that coveted rock solid mansicle frame women peruse through GQ for. This sex lion fantasy wrapped in a man suit's name is Paul (Olivier Martinez).

Oops next thing you know she's in his chambre à coucher d'amour having le rabid Rhesus monkey sex with him le over and le over again.

Meanwhile her husband Edward is getting a tad suspicious as her stories of daily duties are continually turning out to be false. That's usually a good sign. "I'm busy. I have a Facial appointment." No facial appoinment. "Can't have lunch, sorry, have a fund raising event.". There's no fund raising event. Chances are pretty good she's enrolled in the oh-so-popular Cheating w/Young Bucks 101 class. Of course there's also about fifteen new bras and crotchless undies in her drawer he's never seen caressing her body. He decides to hire a detective to get to the truth because someone as bright as Edward catches on fast.

Okay, so it took you about 5 minutes or so to read that right? Now sit through that for two hours and see if you can stay awake. Man, I was so deeply nodding I had drool slipping down my chin!

Olivier Martinez the study man kebab playing Paul (the brooding bookworm she's getting a wee bit-o-afternoon delight with) was entertaining for a while...But we seemed to be having the affair in real time with this broad for crimeney sakes. Even his well formed pecs and robust quads got to be "ho-hum look more manflesh" after the fortieth soft porn sequence.

Richard Gere who played "Edward The Nice Guy" is one of my faves. I see everything he does. I loved his last clever horror film Mothman Prophecies. But this? Nope...And yes some other were awful too. But he's still like man heroin and I figure sometimes the fix just aint pure if you know what I mean. Unfaithful has him in great form in more ways than one ...he's so handsome I'd convert to any crazy religion he wanted for a peak at his BVDs!

Diane Lane is a great and beautiful actress. The film really gave her a great role. The strong take charge gal willing to risk her security to live life dangerously and with some new found passion. We got that...the problem wasn't her, she was excellent.

The problem was the length of the film. There's no huge surprise at the end after we've given hours to the crumbling family and fornicating dou. We knew where the story was going about fifteen minutes into the damned thing. We were on the Highway of The Expected, there were no side trip to Twisted Turn Canyon or Clever Subplot Road. And when we turned off Story Boulevard onto Plot Lane there was nothing lurking in the shadows. Unfaithful stayed faithful to the expected, unfortunately. I just can't think of any part of the film that warranted one subjecting themselves to this much time in a room full of sniffing, sneezing, whispering, farting strangers.

The intimate scenes are beautiful, the sets perfect and when Gere takes over the last bit of the film it the pace got a little breathless-- for a nanosecond-- but it was too late. Skip this unless you suspect your loved one may be unfaithful. Then bring them to see Unfaithful, it'll snap them right out of it. But be careful it could also put them in a coma like sleep state if they're innocent.

Snack Recommendation: Muffins and coffee


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