Movie Reviews


White NoiseWhite Noise

Starring: Michael Keaton, Deborah Kara Unger, and Ian McNeice
Directed by: Geoffrey Sax


Bluntly speaking? White Noise is a mere murmur of a film. Wholly guano what a waste of an evening this colossal mess was. Poor Batman, er, Beetlejuice, er, Michael Keaton. He's been so infrequently blazon across a screen, one had grown to miss the lad - but this?

Story goes…John Rivers (Michael Keaton) has lost his beloved wife. A strange fellow (Ian McNeice) appears shortly afterwards and claims she has tried to contact John through him, from the great beyond via EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomalythingygoinson).

Naturally, the grieving John thinks the guy is Bonkers brand - with peanuts - looney and dismisses the guy. But, six months later (spirits apparently need time to adjust to the afterworld…) while setting up a new apartment, John has a paranormal experience. His dead wife's cell phone calls him at 230 in the morning.

Now an insta-believer, John goes back to the Ghostbuster©™ man and gets in-the-know on the unknown. But faster you can say, "It's a television screen blasting snow. It's not my dead uncle Charlie from heaven; it's Conan without cabl…" the man is mysteriously killed. And apparently by…. ghosts! Dudumdummmm (<- please insert that generic crescendo horror chord here please). And they're evil meany ghosts that left him beneath a pile of vhs tape!

You think, finally, "It's an hour in. Here we go! Next stop Creepyville," as you snorf into the plutonium laced popcorn like a starved Herbivoresnarus Rex. But no…

We slow back down, and John sets up all the man's equipment in his place. But it seems his wife is sending messages for him to help folks as an avenger - a kind of Batman for the undead about to be dead. I think. I don't know, because the plot is wafer thin, convoluted, hodge podged and terribly stupid. There's a heap of scenes thrown in that make no sense whatsoever, and the inevitable "dumb cop" character kind of just shows up - immediately after the big to-do plot is unveiled. One half expected Graham Chapman to step from the end-scene's shadows and insist they stop the sketch.

Michael Keaton will always be Beetlejuice to me…I know a celeb hates that - but hey, gimme something else to work with here Mickey! Look at Depp, or Carrey - after being lassoed to worldwide merchandised characters they've done "experimental," non-stereotyped, roles and managed quite nicely! No excuse there blue eyes. Keaton's talented (check out some of his indie roles for proof), but perhaps in this case, there was a mortgage payment due on his reclusive 180 acre ranch over there in Montana - 'cause I am quite sure he can read a script.

Shame on all who brought this to a theater near us. Even the titles were awful and migraine inducing (be extra careful if you're epileptic with this flickering montage of annoyance - seriously). White Noise is just bad and damned stupid. Though the set design was grand. Some of the later looks were crisp industrial Stalin-y hued accented with a hint of Bauhaus - nice job.

Snack recommendation: Thai take away and a quick stop at Amazon to order an industrial architecture design book with the money you'll save from viewing this crap. Perhaps Walter Gropius', 'The New Architecture and The Bauhaus'?

The Emilyism©






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