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 Big
Box Of Wood
Starring: Many many B and C actors
Buy
Big Box Of Wood
A Big
Box of Wood is not for kids…in case
you missed the collection's disclaimer about simulated sex that
shows on the sealed box's sticker; the art would not lead you
to beware for those innocent kid eyes searching for more of director
Ed Wood's wonders of celluloid.
Though, I read the warning and still went, "Huh? Is that
a joke?" Um, no. The title is still great for this set. They’ve
managed to make a platonic ménage à trois of word
play: Wood the director, wood the standard erect penis reference,
and wood the movement of the really bad films. Brilliant.
Many you of
probably do not know (hell I didn't) Ed Wood, after that fluffy
snapshot handed to us by Tim Burton showing a gosh-golly ne'er
do well director and his heartfelt attempts at independent ultra-low-budget
films, went into the world of porn for his moola. He wrote porn
“novels,” and porn scripts – and some borderline
sex infused hot messes. Here you’ll get six discs worth
- well and a couple askew family friendly bits.
This set is
hilarious for all the wrong reasons again. For the later more
basic porn releases, I picture Travis Bickle from Schrader and
Scorsese’s brilliant Taxi Driver watching these
bad continuity ridden soft porns off Broadway in his would-be-if-he-had-been
hey day.
There are
a couple old known Wood films (the really famous one played up
on the box art), and then the fore-mentioned heaping helping of
bad porn and general wastes of film stock and light.
It’s
Ed Wood porn - that kind of says it all. Though he did not direct
most of the "work" here…he could have! The collection
would be a hoot if the sex wasn’t so – well –
wooden and the stories so so so bad. No one watches porn
for the story…now think “What if Ed Wood scripted
the wookawookmowmow?” And you’ll get my point. It's
fun to a point - right before your head starts to twist into its
own very uncomfortable point and begins to wander towards anything
else it could be engaged in.
One really
clunky porn that sticks out is The Snow Bunnies. As expected
the straight-off-the-casting-couch girls are pretty and can not
act. But the men chosen as the protruding parts are mega-creepy.
Now again, it's soft porn - not a belle-of-the-red-carpet chick
flick material but could they not find even a semi-looker desperate
for work? If to just look at while the up-and-down motion is happening
would have made this gal more apt to watch all the way through
instead of the FF button working double time. And, the sex you
are privy to is like it is choreographed by a maybe had sex once
on beer teenager who gets a camera and a few adults that are willing
to be filmed, not that they themselves are very “knowing”
in the field of fornicationary frolic. The edited in ski scenes
look like they come from a resort elsewhere, and are used as filler
film - a lot. The "film" is probably ten minutes if
you cut the generic fun in the snow family resort sequences.
Eh. Honestly,
the best part of the collection is the appropriately bad audio’d
commentaries prior to each movie’s start. It’s another
look at Ed Wood.
So, if you
need your film history rounded, or you dig old bad porn? Yes.
Get this. But do not buy for your younger family members who still
think Ed Wood was Johnny Depp and his wacky gang of misfits…Let
their little sugar plum dreams remain.
Snack
recommendation: Nausea medicine, or stale week-old
popcorn and a box of Kleenex.
Buy
Big Box Of Wood
Box contains
six discs:
Crossroad
Avenger (The Adventures of the Tucson Kid) (TV pilot-1953), the
short Trick Shooting (1953)and Bela Lugosi post rehab interview
Jail Bait
(1954), Bride of the Monster (1955), The Violent Years (1956),
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959), The Sinister Urge (1960),Orgy
of the Dead (1965), Drop Out Wife (1972), The Snow Bunnies (1972),
Fugitive Girls ("Five Loose Women") (1974), The Beach
Bunnies (1976), Hot Ice (1978)
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