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Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(horror-movie three star - mind you)
Starring: Jessica Biel, R. Lee Ermery, Jonathan Tucker, Erica Leerhsen, Mike Vogel, Eric Balfour and Andrew Bryaniarski
Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Rated: R

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one helluva creep fest extravaganza folks! After all, what's scarier then a faceless chainsaw wielding psycho? Right! A redneck inbred faceless chainsaw-wielding psycho!

This is a remake of the tearfully frightening 1970's film of the same name (duh). And it's just as wickedly warped!

Story goes…a van of happy-go-lucky Lynard Skynard fans are heading into the big city - Dallas - to see a concert. They've just scored a heaping helping of Mary Jane Hoochy Who south of the border and are trying to get as high as possible before the show…

But there's not going to be any lighter waving in this contraband transporting groups' future. No siree Bob.

They practically run over this wandering semi-comatose Holly Hobby dressed waif (Lauren German) when she simply walks (in that "I've been abused mentally & physically in ways that your mind can not even fathom" way so popular with horror film victims) out in front of them in a rural section of highway…

They stop and agree to bring her to safety - But as they are heading towards a convenient phone bearing local diner and country store - a creepy fly infested diner and country store - their passenger perks up! She wigs out, begs not to go "there" and removes a revolver from…well …a girl place, puts it in her mouth and pulls the trigger.


And off we all go into the mutant world of Leatherface Hewitt (Andrew Bryaniarski) and his dangerously demented family of merry misfits.

R. Lee Ermery shows up as a mad-as-a-rabid-rancher local "sheriff" who is hell bent on toying with the van of kids. Just remember readers…police don't wrap suicide victims in cellophane and toss them in the trunk like a sacka potatoes should you ever find yourself in this position. It's a red flag!

Jessica Biel is great as the gorgeous, but tough, would-be human sausage. And as the borderline hippy-gang featuring talents, Jonathan Tucker, Erica Leerhsen, Mike Vogel and Eric Balfour are hilarious - even as they prepared to become Chez Hewitt's latest addition for the dinner table's pot-luck ensemble.

This version's Leatherface wields his saw with maniacal madness to perfection. And director Marcus Nispel keeps us "aweeee"ing and gagging sufficiently - the way a good chainsaw killer film should! Enjoy.

Snack recommendation: Finger sandwiches, a side of fresh skewered Hewitt Family style Mountain Oysters and a pint of Grandma's moonshine

PS it's based on a true story………eeeeekkkkkkk


The Emilyism©


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